


Not What Was Expected...

by Ghost_of_FCV



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Physical Abuse, Roommates, Slurs, Social Anxiety, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2019-11-04 18:50:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 39,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17903585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_of_FCV/pseuds/Ghost_of_FCV
Summary: Evan's nervous for his first day of college, for sure. I mean, who wouldn't be? But the thought of having Connor Murphy in his class (and knowing Jared wouldn't be there), well it was just too much. Besides, what would one day matter?When he gets an email though, informing him of an opening in a dorm room, he knew he had to take it. No-one (and especially him) wanted to travel six hours a day just for hour lectures.But what will his new roommate entail? And what might the year to come bring?





	1. What A Terrible Start To The Year

**Author's Note:**

> First ever fic so please be gentle.

Crisp, early morning. Evan woke up, squinting at his phone to check the time: 4:28 am. Evan grunted at the phone, not that it would change the numbers. Too early. He rolled over, trying to go back to sleep. Thirty minutes later- still awake. He couldn’t help it. First days of school were always so nerve-wracking. But this was no ordinary year, this was his first year of college. He lay in the darkness, the only light coming from his phone screen. The next two and a half hours were spent playing games, trying to calm himself down. His psychologist had hooked him up with some apps to help him relax if he was feeling nervous and he was thankful that they actually kinda worked.

 

Before long, the sun was up. Evan checked his phone clock again - 6:46 am - a reasonable time to get up. As he sat up, the blood rush made him light-headed, or maybe it was the nerves. As he stood on weak legs, he wobbled; he was barely capable of walking. He went downstairs and into the kitchen. Food was limited since his mum hadn’t been shopping in a while. He gathered a bowl of cereal and finished off the milk. As he walked into the dining room, he stopped. There, on the couch, was his mum.

 

He put his bowl down on the table, went over to her, and grabbed the blanket off the top of the couch. He lay the blanket over her and went to eat breakfast. Once he finished, he got up, washed his bowl, and checked the time; 7:04 am. He went over to wake his mum since she had a shift starting at 8 am. After waking his mum, he went back upstairs, got dressed and packed his bag. There was a knock at the door, his mum appearing seconds later, still in her clothes from yesterday.

 

“I’m gonna call in sick to work. You all good to get to school on your own?” She questioned, weak in voice.

 

“Yep. Love you mum,” replied Evan.

 

“Your such a good boy. I’m sorry I’m never home; you deserve better than me for a mother,” her voice was soft, melancholy.

 

“Mum? Are you ok? You seem down? What happened?” Evan asked, noticing how depressed she was acting.

 

“I, umm, never mind.”

 

“Mum, please?”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this now. We can talk when you get back from school.”

 

“Oh, ok. Have a good sleep mum.” Evan was worried and even more nervous than when he woke up. He had been saving his pills to try and overdose. But he knew he would need one to get through the day. He took the container out from under his bed and took four pills; double his regular dose.

 

As he finished getting ready, he remembered that he had to leave earlier than usual to catch a different bus to the college. He and his mum couldn’t afford for him to stay in a dorm so he had to commute three hours both ways every day. As he ran out the door, he checked his watch and to his dismay, he had three minutes to get the train station and to get on the train he needed. There was no way he could make it; it was a ten-minute drive to the station, and he was walking!

 

Evan debated staying home and just going in the next day since it was highly unlikely he would make the train. A short time passed as he debated this, sweating at the thought of turning up a day late after everyone already knew each other. His mum had promised to drive him on the first day to help keep his anxiety a bit more under control. But since she went to bed, his thoughts were running rampant. What if he tripped over walking through the door? What if the class made them all stand up and introduce themselves? What if Jared wasn’t in his class? Oh god, what if Connor was?!

 

After the thought of having to share a class with the person who probably wanted to kill him, he decided catching the train was a lost cause and he walked back inside.

 

“Hello?” the phone said with Jared’s voice.

 

“Hey, Jared,” Evan responded, nervous about telling him that he wasn’t going today. After a long pause, Jared questioned Evan.

 

“So, did you want something?”

 

“Oh, uh, yeah. It’s just, umm, IdecidedimnotgoingtoschooltodaycauseIprobably-”

 

“Evan!” Jared yelled over Evan inaudible nonsense. “If you want me to understand what you're saying, you're going to have to slow down.”

 

“Oh, right, sorry. M- mum had p- planned to take me to college today ‘cause it’s the f- first day but she ended up being really tired. A- and I won’t have enough time to get the station so I decided I’m going to s- stay home today.” Saying all that in one go took so much effort for Evan and he heaved out a deep breath once he’d finished.

 

“Is that the real reason, Evan?”

 

“Well, kinda, I guess. It’s true that I probably c- couldn’t have m- made it to the station to catch the train, but, umm, whatifIhavetoshareaclasswithconnor?” Evan responded, the last part to fast to clearly understand. Since Jared clearly heard ‘Connor’ at the end, he could guess it had something to do about sharing a class with him.

 

“Evan, try to calm down.” Jared had been able to afford to stay in a dorm so he wasn’t stressed at all about getting to classes on time. “Sharing a class with Connor isn’t very likely. I mean, what do you even have in common? I don’t know what Connor is getting his degree in but I’m pretty sure it isn’t environmental science.”

 

“You're probably right. Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah, but we don’t share any classes, remember?” Evan hadn’t remembered the little detail in all his worrying but he could think about it the following day.

 

“Oh yeah. Well, umm, maybe we could study together?”

 

“Uhh, sure. Bye Evan.”

 

“See you tomorrow,” and with that, the familiar beeping sounds played into his ear. 

 

Evan wished so much that he could stay in the dorms so he didn’t have to commute but he was thankful his part-time job and his mum’s job could pay for college in the first place. He was on the waiting list for a dorm room but it was a long list so Evan refused to get his hopes up of staying within walking distance of the classrooms.

 

He went upstairs, unpacked his bag and laid on his bed. After about half an hour of stressing about the coming year, he got out his laptop. To his surprise, there was an email in his notifications. Who even emailed him anyway? His mum was asleep, he just got off the phone to Jared and he didn’t have any other friends.

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

 

_ We are contacting you to inform you a spot has opened up in the dorms. If you wish to have this spot, please email us back within twenty-four hours. If we are not notified, we will assume you are no longer interested in a placement, and so, we will email the next person on the list. _

 

_ Thank you, _

_ Whitehall College _


	2. What To Do With The Email

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be updating this daily from now on cause otherwise i'll never finish it. Hope you enjoy!

Evan couldn’t believe it; was he really going to get a dorm room? He had given up hope of getting a room because the year had started. He decided he should tell his Mum he was staying home and also tell her about the new dorm arraignment. He walked down the hall and knocked on her door.

 

“Who is it?” she replied, seemingly scared.

 

“It’s just me, Mum.”

 

“Oh. Why aren’t you on your way to school?” she asked, opening up the door.

 

“I wouldn’t have made the train and so, I, uh, decided to just stay here. Sorry, Mum.”

 

“It’s okay sweetheart. I said I would take you today and be there for you and I bailed. I’ll try to be a better mother for you.”

 

“I love you, Mum.”

 

“I love you more.”

 

“Since we’re both awake, can you tell me what happened?”

 

“Oh, right. I suppose you deserve to know. I, umm, I was fired last night. They said I was always too tired at work.”

 

“Mum,” Evan started, unsure of what to say. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s not your fault. Their reason confuses me though. I was never late and I never slept during work. I haven't even missed classes from being too tired.”

 

“Will this affect my college at all?” Evan questioned, genuinely worried he wouldn’t be able to stay in college.

 

“It shouldn’t. You did those scholarship contests which help a lot.”

 

“Yeah. Do you want me to make you something to eat? I noticed there were no plates in the kitchen which means you didn’t have dinner or breakfast.”

 

“Thanks, sweetheart,” she replied, smiling. He got up and walked over to the door. As he left, he told her everything was going to be alright.

 

He made french toast for breakfast since he knew she loved it. Once they were ready, he called out to her and she came downstairs. She thanked him again for making breakfast (despite it being 11 am) and sat down to eat. After breakfast, Evan told his mum to have a nap while he tidied up. She obliged, kissing him on the forehead before leaving.

 

After a few hours of cleaning and tidying the house, his mum came back downstairs.

 

“Wow, Evan. You didn’t have to tidy the entire house.”

 

“I know. I just thought I would help.”

 

“Your such a good kid. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Evan laughed nervously at this. His Mum wasn’t aware is broken arm was a result from a failed suicide attempt.

 

“Hey, Mum?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“How would you feel if I went and stayed in a dorm room?”

 

“Honey, you're on a waiting list but the semester has started. It’s unlikely to happen.”

 

“I know, but would you be okay if I did go?”

 

“Of course, sweetheart. We didn’t put you on that list for no reason. Now, I’ve got to get to class but I’ll be back for dinner. How does pizza sound?”

 

“Good. But Mum-” Evan started before getting cut off by the front door closing. If he didn’t tell his Mum about the offer, he would run out of time. He decided to tell her at dinner when she got back.

 

Evan spent the rest of the day lounging around on the couch watching movies.

 

~~~~

 

“Hey honey, I’m home. Evan?” His mother’s voice woke him up. And when had he even fallen asleep?

 

“In here Mum,” Evan said, voice carrying through to the front entry.

 

“Evan. Did you fall asleep watching movies again?”

 

“I must have, yeah. How was class?”

 

“Same as usual. Pizzas in the kitchen.”

 

“Thanks, Mum,” Evan said, sitting up and wiping the sleep from his eyes. They walked into the kitchen together, grabbing a plate for his Mum and giving her a glass of water with the food.

 

“So, mum,” Evan started, knowing he had to ask about the dorms.

 

“Yeah sweetheart?”

 

“I, uh, I got an email this morning.” Evan sighed before he continued, “It was from Whitehall.”

 

“Uh huh?”

 

“Well, it said that a spot opened up in the dorms. And that if I didn’t accept it within twenty-four hours of the email being sent, they would move to the next person on the list.”

 

“Do you want to go?”

 

“I, uh, I don’t know. It might be good so I don’t have to travel for six hours every day. What do you think?”

 

“Well, it’s not up to me sweetie. If you do accept it, I hope you would still visit me on weekends.”

 

“Of course I would Mum. And we could call and email.”

 

“So you're going to accept?”

 

“I think so. You sure it’s okay though?”

 

“Of course honey. Of course it’s okay. Who knows? It might get you more friends.”

 

“Yeah-” Evan responded, trying to sound as enthusiastic at that idea as possible. “Well, I’m going to go email them.”

 

“Sounds good. Goodnight sweetheart. Do you want me to drive you tomorrow?”

 

“No thanks. I’ll be alright. Night Mum,” and with that, Evan walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs. He got out his laptop and emailed them.

 

_ Dear Whitehall College, _

 

_ I would love to get a dorm placement if the offer is still there. I will commute tomorrow and have my mother bring my stuff after classes. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

_ Evan Hansen (Me) _

 

Evan was happy with the email and sent it. After that, he decided to pack, knowing he would be moving in the next day.

 

“Sweetie, why are you making so much noise?” his mum questioned, opening his bedroom door.

 

“Sorry Mum. I- I’m kinda freaking out. I t- told them I would m- move in tomorrow afternoon and s- so I have to pack.” That sentence took a lot of Evan’s energy.

 

“Honey. Come sit,” she said, moving to sit on the bed with Evan.

 

“Who am I going to share with? What if they hate me?”

 

“I’m sure it will be fine. You will hit it off and become best friends.”

 

“But-” Evan started but was cut off by his mum shushing him. Evan always found this comforting. After a few minutes of crying into his mum’s shoulder and her telling him he would be alright, the attack subsided.

 

“Thanks,” Evan whispered, scooting off the bed to continue packing. After about an hour of packing, his panicked state was long gone and they decided Evan had packed everything he needed.

 

“You will have to tell me whenever you need refills. I won’t be there to keep checking up on you,” Evan’s mum stated, breaking the silence.

 

“I know.”

 

“Now get some sleep. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

 

“Goodnight Mum.”

 

“Night sweetie,” with that, Evan rolled over on his bed, now facing the wall and went to sleep.


	3. New Roommate, New Enemy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember the day i said there would be daily updates? yeah? well, i'm a lazy asshole who couldn't be bothered writing. But it's here now and I swear there will be daily updates no on! Maybe even more than daily if i get in the grove ^_^
> 
> Thanks to all of you who have read, commented or left kudos so far! You mean so much!

Despite it being moving-in day and Evan’s first day of college, he slept in till a normal time. He woke up to his phone ringing. Rubbing his eyes, he looked at his phone and saw that Jared was calling.

 

“Hey, Jared,” Evan sleepily said after answering the call.

 

“Evan! Hey! Did you hear what happened?” Evan heard Jared yell into the phone.

 

“Huh? Uh, no. What happened?”

 

“Freak drove his roommate to kill himself. I’m feeling sorry for who his new roommate is gonna be.”

 

“Who’s  _ freak _ ?” Evan questioned, still half asleep and forgetting who Jared alreays referred to as  _ freak _ .

 

“Connor. You know, school psycho?”

 

“Oh, right,” Evan replied, slow. He’d never liked how Jared referred to Connor but ignored it out of fear of losing his only friend. “Wait! What?!”

 

“Evan, Connor caused his roommate to kill himself. Do you understand what I’m telling you? Connor has started his murderous rampage.”

 

“I don’t think he’s g- going on a mur-murderous ram-rampage.”

 

“Evan, you okay? Why are you stuttering so much?”

 

“I, uh, I got an email yesterday.”

 

“And?” Jared added, coxing Evan to continue.

 

“It was f-from Whitehall. It, uh, it was about, about, a, uh, opening in a d-dorm room.”

 

Upon Jared’s realisation of what this meant, he tried to remain calm for Evan. “I’m sure it’s another room. Besides, as if the school would be fucked up enough to fill the spot straight away.”

 

“Jared! Language!” Evan always acted as a mother when Jared swore.

 

“Sorry, Mum,” he remarked back.

 

“It’s okay... son,” Evan replied, giggling.

 

“Did you accept the room offering?”

 

“Of course. I don’t want to travel six hours every day.”

 

“Fair enough. Sorry, I gotta go. Breakfast starts soon. Bye Evan.”

 

“Bye Jared. See you later,” with that, the phone call ended. Evan sighed.  _ Am I really going to share a room with Connor? No, of course not. Jared’s right. They would never fill the space so soon, right? It has to be another room. Please let it be another room, _ Evan thought to himself. Checking his clock and seeing it was 6:32 am. He got dressed and went downstairs to breakfast. His train left at 7 am but his first class wasn’t until 10:30 am. His Mum had made omelettes and some toast. Evan sat down, thanking her for breakfast and began eating.

 

“So,” His mum started. “Moving-in day. You nervous?”

 

“Of course I’m nervous. I have no idea who I’m sharing with. What if they hate me?” Evan spoke quicker than he would have liked to, but his mum understood perfectly.

 

“I’m sure they will love you. How can they not?” Evan’s mum said, calming Evan’s nerves a little. Rather than replying, Evan simply smiled at her.

 

Finishing his breakfast, Evan went upstairs to grab his bag. Walking back downstairs, he said goodbye to his mother and left the house. He ended up getting on his train a few seconds before the doors closed. Breathing a sigh of relief, he went to sit down. Evan looked into his bag and got out his phone to text his mum and let her know he was on the train. Then he checked over his schedule for the thousandth time. 

 

Since Evan didn’t have a dorm room at the start of the term, they emailed his schedule and told him to sign up for any clubs after he got there. The rest of the train ride was spent on his phone, his battery surprisingly only lowering to 72%.

 

After getting off the train, Evan began speed walking towards the college; worried he would be late to class despite having a half hour before it started.

 

Evan’s first class was biology which wasn’t extremely intriguing but still kept Evan’s mind off the quickly-approaching afternoon. His class was over fairly quicky, all things considered. Going directly to his next class, he passed by Jared.

 

“Hey, dude. How’s your first day going?” Jared quickly said upon seeing Evan. He seemed really happy but Evan couldn’t guess why.

 

“Hey, Jared. Umm, alright. I didn’t get questioned which was nice.” Jared chuckled a little at this before continuing.

 

“That good dude. I gotta get to my next class but I got study hall after that. Wanna tag along?”

 

“Sure,” Evan said, happy that he was getting invited to something, even if it was just to make sure Jared’s car insurance was paid for by his parents.

 

They continued on their separate ways seconds later. Evan had a little time to spare before heading to his next class but decided to go straight there rather than wander around looking like a lost puppy. Besides, knowing him, he’d probably somehow get lost and then never even make it to another class again. He’d probably wander off campus and into some drug adict who’d kidnap him and leave him in an abandoned werehouse tied up for the rats. But that was just his anxiety running away with simple thoughts and turning them into convuluted stories that resulted in pain and siffering. So if he headed directly to class, he could avoid that entire senario - and so that’s what he did.

 

His next class passed with relative ease. Now it was 1 pm and his mum was supposed to arrive in one hour to help him unpack. He then remembered he was going to join Jared in study hall as so, walked towards the building Jared had texted saying he would be in.

 

After locating Jared in the room, he walked over.

 

“Hi, Jared,” Evan started, notifying Jared of his presence.

 

“Hey, Evan. Come, sit,” Jared ordered kindly.

 

“What homework do you have to do?” Evan asked, curious of what Jared was working on.

 

“Oh, I’m not doing work. I have some but I didn’t feel like working on it so I decided to draw,” Jared replied, sliding the paper over towards Evan.

 

“I like it,” Evan praised, looking at Jared’s half-finished drawing of a dragon.

 

“Thanks,” Jared mumbled. “What are you going to work on?”

 

“I got given a task to write a short report on what makes trees lose leaves. It should be pretty easy.”

 

“Okay, Evan, I know you’re a dendrophile but you can sound less excited about a report,” Jared responded, laughing lightheartedly at Evan’s clear happiness. Evan was   happier when talking about trees. “Do you know who your new roommate is yet?”

 

“No, and I’m not a dendrophile,” Evan said, his voice raising in pitch a little. “Mum’s supposed to get here is about an hour and everything is getting organised then.”

 

“Hopefully it’s not school-freak. I like having you alive,” after hearing Jared’s response, Evan felt something warm in his chest thinking that Jared actually did enjoy Evan’s company despite Jared’s constant reminder saying it was only for his car insurance.

 

The rest of the study session was spent in comfortable silence before Evan broke it.

 

“I gotta go. Mum just texted me. She’s here.”

 

“Okay. Good luck dude. Let me know when you’ve settled in and I’ll come visit you.”

 

“Okay, thanks. Bye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

Evan walked out into the hall, down the stairs and out of the building. After finding his mum, they made their way to the office.

 

“Hello. My son, Evan Hansen, was emailed yesterday about a dorm opening. He was told to move in today,” Evan’s mum started, knowing Evan was likely too nervous to talk.

 

“Of course. Evan?” the lady questioned, directing her attention to Evan.

 

“Yep?”

 

“Here is your room key. It’s dorm block ‘C’, room 309.”

 

“O-Okay. Who’s m-my roommate?” Evan requested, dreading the answer.

 

“Your roommate. Um, I believe his name is Connor Murphy?” she said, phrasing it like a question as if she wasn’t one hundred per cent certain of his name.

 

Upon hearing his roommate's name, Evan’s brain kickstarted a panic attack. When his mum noticed his struggle to breathe, she hugged him and pulled him over to a seat. Comforting him, Evan’s mum whispered into his ear that everything would be okay. After a minute, Evan’s breath had become so erratic he was at risk of passing out. Evan’s mum pulled away from him and helped him breathe.

 

“In. Out. In. Out,” she started, moving her hand up and down with her words. Evan attempted to follow her instructions but failed. His mother continued to try and get his breath under control. Evan tried again and found his breath becoming regular again.

 

“Good boy, Evan,” sis mum praised. Evan, like most people, liked being praised - especially when his mind was so feeble at that second - so this helped him continue his more regular breathing. After ten minutes, Evan’s panic attack seemed passed the worst. Evan’s breath had returned but he was still shaking a little. Once Heidi deemed it okay, she asked if he knew what caused the attack. Evan brushed this off, not wanting to worry her about his new roommate’s history.

 

Walking to the dorm block, Evan stopped in front of the door. He heard someone mumbling inside. His mum told him again that he would be fine, and he knocked on the door. Inside, he heard someone groan and walk over to the door. Swinging it open, he came face to face with Connor Murphy; the person Evan was most scared of. Swallowing hard, Evan began to speak.

 

“H-hello Con-Connor. I’m your n-new roommate, E-Evan Hansen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then, lets see where this takes us shall we?


	4. Making friends?

“H-hello Con-Connor. I’m your n-new roommate, E-Evan Hansen.” Even was stuttering considerably more than he wanted to.  _ Why can’t I seem normal for one second?! _

 

“What?!” Connor yelled.  _ Did nobody tell him I was going to be his new roommate?! Why do I have to be the one to break the news? This is going to be a trainwreck!  _ Evan’s thoughts were starting to run rampant. If his mum wasn’t with him, he would have run for the hills as soon as the door opened - ok, maybe before he even knocked. But Evan had to face his worst nightmare; Connor would be his roommate.

 

“I-I’m your n-new room-roommate,” Evan repeated himself. He was absolutely terrified and his mum must have picked up on this since she took over for him.

 

“Hello, Connor. I’m Heidi Hansen, Evan’s mum,” she explained, holding her hand out to shake. Connor did not oblige so she dropped her hand soon after. “Anyway, Evan has been told this is his new dorm room. Would you be so kind as to step back from the door so I can help Evan get settled in before I have to leave for class.”

 

Connor just stood there, mouth agape, clearly trying to process the situation. Once Heidi’s words were said, a few seconds passed and Connor stood back from the door, allowing them to enter.

 

As Heidi entered, Evan followed behind, scrunching his nose at the smell of day-old smoke. His mum put the suitcase on the spare bed as Evan watched Connor like a hawk watching prey. Though in reality Connor was the hawk and Evan was the little mouse just trying to get something to eat. All Connor did was lie on his bed and put headphones in; though it was pointless because the music was easily loud enough to be heard by the three of them. Evan decided to help his mum unpack.

 

A good hour or so later, everything was unpacked and Evan’s mum was saying goodbye. They hugged and exchanged “miss you already” comments. Connor scoffed.  _ What’s his deal? Is it me? Is it weird to hug my mum goodbye? _ Evan thought to himself, quickly pulling from the hug once he decided it must have been weird.

 

“I have to get going if I want to make it back in time for class. Are you sure you're okay? I can skip.”

 

“No no. I’m fine. Thanks, Mum.”

 

“Bye honey.”

 

“Bye mum.”

 

While this interaction happened, Evan continued watching Connor out of the corner of his eye, still not trusting him enough to look away. That would leave Evan completely defenceless to anything Connor did. Evan watched Connor roll his eyes at them and roll over on the bed.

 

Evan’s mum kissed him on the forehead and left. Once the door closed, Evan turned fully to Connor.

 

“Umm, hi,” Evan tried, hoping to start a conversation.

 

“What do you want, Hansen?”

 

“Uhh, um. I d-don’t know. Sorry.”

 

“Just cause your sharing this room, it doesn’t mean we have suddenly become best buds,” Connor snapped.

 

“Sorry.” Connor scoffed. “Can I i-invite a fr-friend r-round?” Evan asked, his voice shaking.

 

“I don’t care. I didn’t even know you had friends. Who is it?” Connor asked, sounding genuine. This hurt Evan far more than it should have.  _ Does everyone think I have no friends? _

 

“I guess he-he’s more of a f-family friend,” Evan said, seriously trying to get his stuttering under control. “Jared. I th-think you know him?”

 

“Oh yes. Jared. The jerk I’m planning to murder,” Connor said in confirmation. Evan hoped to god that he was joking but he wasn’t too sure. As if reading his mind, Connor continued, “That was a joke, Hansen. I’m not that fucked up. And even if I was, why would I tell  _ you _ I’m a murderer?”

 

Evan thought about this question. It was true. Why would Connor tell him? Evan nodded in response and pulled out his phone from his back pocket. A few minutes later the silence was interrupted by a knock.

 

“Evan?” Connor and Evan both heard from outside the door. Evan stood and walked the few steps to the door.

 

“Hi, Jared. How are you?”

 

“Alright. How are you going with freak?” Jared asked, half taking a shot at Connor.

 

Connor didn’t give Evan the chance to reply and interrupted with, “Fuck you.”

 

“No thanks,” Jared shot back. Turning to Evan, he questioned him again. “Seriously, how are you going?”

 

“Um, alright, thanks.”

 

Jared stayed for an hour before having to leave for another class. As he packed his bag, he asked, “Hey, Evan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Want to join me and a few others for dinner at 6?”

 

“Sure, thanks for the invite.”

 

“No problem dude. See ya,” Jared said, leaving the doorway with a wave.

 

“Bye.”

 

The entire time Jared was there, Connor just lay on his bed, listening to music that thankfully had been turned down.  _ I wonder what he’s listening to? Should I ask? Is that too forward? Would he yell at me again? _ Evan’s thoughts discouraged him from asking. He went over to his dresser and grabbed his toiletries bag and a towel.

 

“I’m gonna go shower,” Evan announced as he left the room, unsure if he was even supposed to tell his roommate.

 

The bathrooms were completely empty most likely because it was 4:30 pm. After his shower, he got dressed in clean clothes and walked back to room 309. When he knocked and opened the door, he was met with Connor in the exact same spot he was in when he left.

 

“You don’t have to knock. It’s your own room,” Connor said out of nowhere. It was the first thing Connor had said to him since his mum left.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“You say that a lot.”

 

“Sorry.” Connor laughed a little at this.  _ Did I really just make him laugh? _

 

As Evan dried his hair and hung his towel over his chair, Connor spoke again.

 

“I’ve gotta go.” He swung his long legs off his bed and stood up.

 

“Where?”

 

“None of your business, Hansen!” Connor responded aggressively.

 

“Sorry,” Evan quickly but sheepishly responded, tucking his knees into his chest, hugging them for security.

 

Connor snatched his book bag from the end of his bed and walked out of the room. Evan checked his clock seeing it was 5:25 pm and decided to message his mum as an update.

 

_ Hey Mum, _

 

_ Since you left, I’ve had one conversation with Connor. I’m pretty sure he hates me. Jared came over for an hour which was nice. How was class? Anything new? I’ll message you again in the morning. _

 

_ Evan (Me) _

Evan sent the message knowing that he didn’t have to be formal with his mum. It was half an hour until dinner with Jared so Evan decided to start his essay on deciduous trees. When it was ten-to-six, Evan closed his laptop and sat up.

 

Once finding Jared in his room with Chris, his roommate, they left for dinner. Once Chris called the others they were joining, they decided to eat at Taco Bell. The three of them climbed into Chris’ car and set off.

 

Once they arrived, they met Jake and his girlfriend, Emilia. They picked a seat to eat at and then ordered. Throughout meeting everyone, Evan was nervous and Jared must have picked up on this because he kept asking Evan if he was okay. Evan just nodded his head in response, lips tight to keep the food he hadn’t eaten down.

 

When it came time to order, Jared went up to the counter with everyone’s orders. By the time he came back, Evan was clearly more nervous than before.

 

“What happened? Were they being dicks to you?” Jared questioned while sitting back down. His voice was quiet enough for only Evan to hear which he was very thankful for.

 

Evan felt as if he couldn’t speak, like there was something in his throat. Evan didn’t reply and looked back down at his hands which were playing with the hem of his shirt.

 

“Do you want to go outside to get some fresh air?” Evan nodded, still feeling as though he couldn’t talk.

 

“Excuse us for a minute,” Jared announced to the table, standing and walking outside with Evan trailing sheepishly behind.

 

Once outside, they sat on a bench. It was cold out and when they exhaled, swirls of warm air were created.

 

“How long are we staying here for?” Evan quietly asked, breaking the silence after a few seconds.

 

“Until we finish eating? We haven’t even got our food yet. Evan, what’s wrong?”

 

Evan thought about telling Jared what happened but decided he didn’t want him knowing. He didn’t want to say bad things about Jared’s friends. He didn’t want to say bad things about anyone.

 

“I’m going to stay out here until it’s time to go. You should go back inside and have fun with your friends.”

 

“Are you sure?” Evan nodded so Jared stood and walked back inside.

 

Around five minutes later, Jared walked back outside holding food.

 

“I thought you might want this?”

 

“Yeah. Thanks.” Evan said, taking the food from Jared.

 

“You sure you don’t want to join us? They’re really nice once you get to know them. And it’s pretty cold out here,” Jared tried to persuade.

 

“Okay.”

 

The rest of the meal was spent sharing jokes, stories and overall, having a great time. Evan was uncomfortable throughout the entire meal because he knew what Jared’s friends thought of him.

 

Once they were back at the dorms, Evan said a quick thanks to Jared and made a quick escape back to his dorm. He was about to knock on the door but then he remembered what Connor said so he unlocked it and walked in.

 

Connor was back by now and Evan wished he knocked. Connor was in the middle of changing into pyjamas and so, had no shirt on and a pair of sweatpants half put on.

 

As soon as Evan saw Connor, his cheeks blushed a light pinky-red, looking away, refusing to look slightly in Connor’s direction. He said he was sorry but Connor honestly didn’t seem to care. Once Connor was finished getting changed, which he did very quickly, he lay on his bed and picked up a book.

 

“What are you reading?” Evan asked, apparently he was braver than he felt. Connor was terrifying and Evan was trying to work out why he asked his question.

 

“ _ A Theory of Justice. _ It’s a homework task,” Connor said, turning the page.

 

“Cool.” Evan was shocked Connor was actually doing his school work. The boy never handed anything in during high school. “What’s it about?”

 

“Justice, obviously,” Connor replied in a slightly more agitated voice. Evan took the hint and stopped asking questions. He just rolled over and checked his phone. His mum had replied to his message and according to it, she got her job back after a short conversation with her boss. Apparently, her boss had never even fired her, just told her she could take the rest of her shift off.

 

After about an hour or two of puzzle games, Evan decided sleep would be a good move. He rolled over, turned off his lamp and asked Connor to do the same. Connor obliged but also got up and left the room without a word. Evan fell asleep about ten minutes later.


	5. Jared, Please Drop It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey...... Sorry it's been so long. If you want to know where I've been, read the endnotes. Note there is a trigger warning for said notes.

Evan awoke to a loud buzzing which he stopped without opening his eyes. Rubbing at his face, he slowly opened his eyes and blinked at the brightness of the room. Evan took a mental note to buy curtains as soon as he could. Looking over his new room, trying to get used to waking in a new place, he eyed the boy in the other bed. Connor was asleep.  _ How late was he up last night? Should I wake him up? _ Evan thought, eventually deciding to wake the boy.

 

“Connor? You awake? It’s time to get up,” Evan questioned, lightly shaking the boy's shoulder.

 

“No! I have to save him!” Connor screamed out as he was shaken. Was he okay? What happened?

 

“Huh?” Connor groaned as he wiped his eyes. His face was blotchy and Evan guessed this is how he looked when he woke up.

 

“Hi, Connor. It’s time to wake up,” Evan spoke gently, scared of Connor’s anger.

 

“Ugh, tired. Sleep,” Connor groggily spoke, sniffling and rolling back over to sleep.

 

“O- okay. Sorry,” Evan quietly apologised before leaving his bedside to get ready. After he was dressed and his teeth were brushed, he headed towards the common room.

 

~~~~

 

Waiting in the common room for time to pass was stressful. Evan watched everyone in the room like a hawk, scared of someone pranking him. He tried to focus on his work but his thoughts kept straying to the approaching lesson.  _ What if the lecturer’s annoyed I’m late? What if he makes me introduce myself in front of everyone? What if I trip? Knowing me, I’ll trip and have to go to the nurse’s office. Oh God! What if one of Jared’s friends are there!? Will they trip me or will I just trip over my own feet? I hope they’re not there. _

 

“Hey.” He forced himself to leave his rather anxiety-heavy headspace and realised who it was talking to him.

 

“Hi, Jared.”

 

“You okay? You look out of it.”

 

“I- I’m fine. I was just thinking,” Evan assured unconvincingly.

 

“Evan, come on. You can talk to me.”

 

“It’s just that yesterday-” Evan stopped himself. He really hated the idea of talking about people behind their backs. Despite knowing that is exactly what they would have done to him, Evan was not one for participating.

 

“Yesterday what?” Jared coaxed after noticing Evan stopped.

 

“Nothing. I’m fine, really. Did you want something?”

 

“I’m not sure I believe you but I’ll let it slide this one time. Did you want to join me and the others to lunch? They said I should invite you. Said you all hit it off.”

 

Evan felt a lump in his throat, feeling guilty knowing what they must have told Jared was quite far from the truth.

 

“Uhh, sure?” Evan found himself agreeing before really thinking about it.  _ Wait! That’s not what I meant! I don’t want to go to lunch with them. Jared, sure, but not the rest of them. _ Evan mentally scolded himself but before he could correct his reply, Jared was saying ‘see ya later’ and leaving.

 

~~~~

 

Sooner than Evan would have liked, it was time for lunch and Jared was nowhere to be seen.

 

“So, where’s your boyfriend?” Jake spoke. He had his arm around Amelia who was looking at Evan with a look that said ‘sorry about this’.

 

“He’s not-” Evan tried to correct but got cut-off.

 

“Of course not. What was I thinking?” Jake corrected, smirking. Chris snickered in the background.

 

“Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late. I had to get a question answered before it was too late.”

 

“All good. We were just getting to know Evan a bit more.”

 

“Cool. So where are we headed?”

 

~~~~

 

Throughout the entire lunch, Evan had been suppressing a panic attack which proved to be more tiring than he thought. On the walk back, Evan dropped a bit behind the group in hopes of avoiding confrontation with Jared’s friends. Jared must have noticed this behaviour because he dropped back as well to talk to Evan.

 

“Evan, we have to talk,” Jared spoke. His voice was cold, but not cruel.

 

“Umm. About what?” Evan questioned, although he knew exactly what Jared was referring to.

 

“You know what. Do you want to talk now or back at the dorms?”

 

Evan let out a sigh, knowing there was no getting out of this. “Dorms, please.”

 

“Okay. But we are going to talk about this, yeah? No getting out of it. I want to help and I can’t do that without knowing what’s wrong.”

 

“Okay.” Evan sighed, defeated. He knew Jared wouldn’t let up but Evan really didn’t want to have the approaching conversation.

 

Back at the dorms, everyone said ‘goodbye’ and ‘we should do this again soon’ but Jared was not leaving Evan’s side.

 

“C- can’t I, like, h- have a sh- shower f- first?” Evan begged, praying Jared would drop it.

 

“Evan, we have to talk about this. Your mum’s not here and I’m the only other one you’ll talk to. I just want to help.” Jared stated. He sounded annoyed but worried, and Evan cursed himself for causing his friend worry.

 

_ Why can’t I do anything right? The few people who spend time with me are always worried about me! I hate having mum and Jared worry about me! Why can’t I be normal?! I hate causing worry, especially for Jared who can’t even change anything. _

 

“I don’t want to! You’ll hate me!” Evan cried, running off to his room, Jared following close behind. Evan opened his door, locking it before Jared could get in.

 

“Evan! Please!” Jared called through the door. Evan’s breathing was slowly returning to normal, knowing he escaped the conversation temporarily.

 

“No! Leave me alone!” Evan had tears staining his cheeks now.  _ He’ll hate me if I tell him! Would he even believe me? He would probably side with his new friends. _

 

“Evan. Please! You can’t avoid me for forever.” Evan heard from outside the door.

 

He chose not to reply, and after about a minute, Jared gave up and walked away.

 

“What was that about?” Evan heard from across the room. Looking up through teary eyes, he noticed Connor sitting on his bed.

 

“Jared wants me to talk about stuff but he’ll hate me if I do,” Evan explained, voice no longer stuttering since his panic attack had mostly passed.

 

“Oh,” was all Connor said.

 

“It’s fine. We don’t argue loads but when we do, we always make up.”

 

“Oh,” Connor said again. Evan watched as Connor busied himself with the book he was holding.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Stop saying that!” Connor snapped.

 

“So-”

 

“Stop!”

 

“O- okay.” Evan was so used to saying ‘sorry’; it was habit. He wanted to say it again but feared Connor’s aggression.

 

~~~~

 

Evan went to another class later the same day but couldn’t focus. All he could think about was Jared’s response if he told him. Back at the dorm, Evan laid on his bed and stared at the creamy coloured ceiling.

 

After a short while, his thoughts went to a place they often did when given the chance. _ Why didn’t I pick a higher tree? _ This was a question Evan thought about often since jumping from the tree. His arm was no longer broken since the attempt was just under a year ago but he still thought about it almost daily.  _ What force wants me alive? Why can’t I just be happy? Be normal? I’ll never be normal. _ Evan continued this train of thought until it was interrupted by his phone ringing.

 

Evan looked at the caller name and picked up instantly.  _ It’s 3:30; why is mum calling? _

 

“Hello sweetie. How are you doing? I know it’s only been one day but, you know.”

 

“Hi, Mum. I’m alright. Why are you calling?”

 

“Jared called.”

 

“He what?!” Evan’s thoughts, once again, ran rampant.  _ What did he tell Mum? And how much? He doesn’t know much but still! _

 

“Jared called me. He told me something was wrong but you refused to talk to him. I was in the middle of a shift so I couldn’t call but I just finished so I called straight away.”

 

“Mum,”

 

“Yes, sweetie?”

 

“I, I’m fine. Jared is on about nothing, really.”

 

“Honey, you don’t seem okay. You stuttered. Have you taken your medication?”

 

“As always,” Evan replied.

 

“Okay.” She paused, clearly thinking. “Maybe we should book you another appointment? See if your meds should be upped?”

 

“I’m fine, Mum. Can’t I just have a single bad day without it becoming some big issue?”

 

“If you're sure. This is a one-off, okay? If Jared calls again, we’re getting you another appointment.”

 

“Sure, deal. So, I’ve got work to do. I’ll check in later, okay?” Evan explained.

 

“Okay sweetheart, bye.”

 

“Bye, Mum.”

 

After he hung up, Evan bolted to Jared’s room and knocked loudly on the door.

 

“Come in. It’s not locked,” Evan heard Jared say from inside. He complied, opening the door to see the boy sitting in the bed on his phone.

 

“Oh, hi?”

 

“Hi? That’s what you say?! Mum just called me to make sure I was okay and that’s what you say?!”

 

“Evan, I-”

 

“No! Jared, Mum can’t keep having to worry about me! She has her own life to live! I’m fine! I told you that! She wanted to book another appointment to get my meds upped!”

 

“I’m sorry, okay? I just, I wanted to make sure you're okay. Please, come sit,” Jared explained, patting the spot on the bed next to him.

 

Evan sat, his body was tense as a quite “sorry” tumbled out of his lips.

 

“No need,” Jared assured. “I tried to get you to talk about something you clearly weren't comfortable with. I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“Are you getting your meds upped?”

 

“I told her I was fine.”

 

“Are you?”

 

“Y- yes,” Evan answered, half trying to convince himself. Evan knew Jared would pick up on the stutter. It only happened when he was nervous and Jared definitely noticed it.

 

“You stuttered.”

 

“I- I’m fine. I’m gonna go. Sorry.”

 

“No need to apologise. Wanna have dinner together again?” Evan noticeably stiffened again at his question.  _ No way am I spending more time with his friends! _

 

“No thanks.”

 

“It would just be the two of us?”

 

“Uhh, okay, if you’re sure. What time?”

 

“6?”

 

“Sounds good. Bye Jared.”

 

“Bye.”

 

Opening the door back to his dorm, he saw Connor sitting on the bed with his laptop.

 

“Hi,” Evan said, walking over to the desk to start tidying his stuff.

 

“Hey, Hansen.”

 

“What you doing?”

 

“Stuff.” Connor’s voice was bitter.

 

“O- okay. Sorry,” Evan apologised, remembering Connor wasn’t one for sharing.

 

“Why do you say that so much?”

 

“Uhh, sorry.” Evan blushed once he said it again. “It’s kinda a habit I guess. I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop.”

 

Connor laughed a little at his response.  _ Am I that funny? _ “I think you're unsuccessful.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

This made Connor laugh again, and Evan tried to laugh at it as well. The conversation felt awkward, despite it being one of their friendlier talks. He was just so used to saying ‘sorry’, it felt weird to try and not say it.

 

~~~~

 

Evan found sitting in the common room wasn’t the most exciting of things to do. Most people were playing games or chatting but Evan chose to sit in the corner on his phone, playing those puzzle games he loved.

 

“Hey, Evan,” Amelia kindly interrupted, causing him to stop his puzzle.

 

“Hi Amelia,” Evan answered, looking up from his screen.

 

“I was wondering, did you want to join Jake, Chris, Jared and I in playing laser-tag on Saturday? There won’t be much talking involved but I understand if you don’t feel comfortable.”

 

“Umm, can I think about it?”

 

“Of course. I tried to talk to Jake about it this morning but he played dumb. Sorry. Hey, if it helps, I’m sure you can bring someone along with you. The more, the merrier.”

 

“Uh, sure. I’ll think about it and let Jared know at dinner.”

 

“Okay. Cya, Evan.”

 

“Yeah, bye.”

 

After an hour, he went back to his room and had another conversation with Connor. For the first, possibly second time, they seemed to get along.

 

“Hey, Connor?” Evan had said after twenty minutes of complete silence.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I was w- wondering, I got in- invited t- to a t- thing and s- she s- said I could bring s- someone along i- if I w- wanted,”

 

“Yeah?” Connor coaxed.

 

“On S- Saturday, did y- you want to p- play l- laser-t- tag?”

 

“You're inviting me?” Connor sounded really confused.  _ Was that a bad idea? That was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have done that! _

 

“O- only if y- you w- want t- to. Y- you d- don’t have t- to if you d- don’t w- want t- to.” Evan added in hopes of salvaging the disaster that was this conversation.

 

“Uhh, sure?”

 

“Cool. I’ll see you then, I guess. Well, I’ll see you before then. I’m gonna go now. Bye.” Evan spoke too quickly for it to be understood properly but he was out the door before Connor could ask for him to repeat himself.  _ I didn’t even know if I was going. Now Connor is going too! That was a bad idea! I could fake being sick? Cancel? Anything to avoid laser-tag with Connor  _ and _ Jared’s friends! _

 

“Bye-” Evan heard as he shut the door behind him. He rushed to Jared’s room, despite being early for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not long after I posted the previous chapter I attempted to overdose on medications. I was (obviously) unsuccessful but I was in a psych ward for the past month or so. I finally got out this morning and I wanted to post today. Anyway, I hope you're all safe and I'm sorry for the month-long break but I'm back and I'll try my best to update.


	6. Bullies And First Aid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobic slurs and abuse (to Evan) in this chapter! I've included a summary of the chapter at the end for anyone who wishes to skip this chapter :)

“Hi, Jared,” Evan said as he walked into the room.

 

“Hey. You're early?” Jared stated as if asking ‘why are you early?’ but in a nicer way.

 

“I, uh, had to get out of my room. Do you mind? I can go to the common room if you-”

 

“Evan, it’s fine.”

 

“O- okay. Thanks.” Evan moved his way over to Jared’s bed and sat down next to him. Jared had his legs crossed and was leaning against the wall.

 

“So, where do you want to go for dinner?” Jared questioned.

 

“I, I don’t mind. Wherever you want,” Evan answered. Evan never really shared his opinions on these types of things; he was happy if the other members were happy, within reason. He, of course, was not happy when others degrade him to make themselves happy.

 

“I was thinking the cafe? They actually have some good food considering it’s run by the school. It’s also cheaper than restaurants and takeout.

 

“Sure.”

 

Once they sat down and started eating, they talked about different things. Movies, TV shows, books, and so on. They were halfway through the meal when the topic took on a more serious tone.

 

“Evan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I know you don’t want to but we have to talk about what’s wrong,” Evan sighed but visibly tensed upon hearing their new topic.

 

“I- I don’t want to.”

 

“Evan, I know that. But you can’t keep avoiding it. Does it have to do with my friends?”

 

“I, uh, I’m fine.” Evan watched Jared raise an eyebrow as if saying ‘we both know that’s not true so don’t even try it.’ “What- What makes you s- say that?”

 

“Your stuttering an awful lot for someone who is  _ fine _ ,” Jared said, accenting the ‘fine’. After a short silence, Jared answered Evan’s question. “You didn’t want to attend dinner until I said it would just be the two of us. That means you didn’t want to have dinner with my friends.”

 

“I,”

 

“You what?”

 

“I, I don’t want to talk about this. You’ll hate me,” Evan said. His eyes were watering as if he was about to cry. Evan was, for once, semi-successful at not having a panic attack. His heart rate had picked up and he was close to crying but he was able to keep his breathing to a semi-regular pattern.

 

“I won’t hate you. Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad,” Jared assured.

 

“You will,” Evan confirmed. And with that, he stood and left the cafe. He still strongly felt that if he told Jared what his friends did, he would hate him and side with his new friends.

 

“Evan!” he heard Jared yell from the door of the cafe. Evan just continued to walk, wiping a tear that slid down his face.

 

~~~~

 

Evan walked quickly, trying to avoid Jared. Once back at his room, he remembered he never said he was attending laser tag.

 

Evan - 6:49 pm: I’m sorry, Jared. I just don’t want to talk about it. You’ll hate me if I tell you. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m attending laser tag on Saturday. Amelia invited me and said to let you know if I was going. She also said I could invite someone if I wanted to so Connor is coming along as well.

 

Jared - 7:07 pm: I don’t hate you, and I never will. I will get it out of you, whatever it is. And it’s cool that you're joining us for laser tag but why did you invite freak?

 

Evan - 7:08 pm: He’s not a freak. And I don’t know why I invited him. It just kinda asked before I even decided if I was going. I can tell him he can’t go if you want...

 

Jared - 7:08 pm: Trust me, he’s not the person you want to be inviting to things but since you already have, leave it as is.

 

Evan - 7:09 pm: Ok. I’m not talking about it btw.

 

Jared - 7:10 pm: How about a deal?

 

Evan - 7:10 pm: Explain?

 

Jared - 7:11 pm: Using our individual scores from laser tag. If I get a higher score, you tell me what’s wrong. If your score is higher, I won’t mention it again.

 

Evan - 7:13 pm: Fine. Deal.

 

~~~~

 

The rest of Evan’s evening was boring. He had a small conversation with Connor and sat on his phone until he was sleepy. Evan worried a little about the following Saturday because he knew Jared would do everything he can to win their ‘deal’. It was more of a bet really.

 

~~~~

 

Evan had just got out of a class and it was about 9:35 am. He was walking back to the dorms when Chris and Jake entered the hallway. Chris looked really angry and Jake appeared calmer but also slightly agitated. Evan was praying to every higher being he could think of to make him vanish. He didn’t know what they would do if they saw him but he knew it wouldn’t be good.

 

“Hey, Evan. How’re you going?” Chris questioned, walking over to a terrified Evan.

 

“I- I’m fine.”

 

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Jake asked then, joining in.

 

“He’s not-” was all Evan got out before his neck was covered by Chris’ hand, making it difficult to talk.

 

“What was that fag? Are you talking back to us?”

 

All Evan could reply with was a gurgled choak; he was struggling to breathe and was sure he would pass out from lack of air soon enough. Maybe it’s better that way, then they can do whatever they want and he won’t be able to remember.

 

“I think he is. Too bad he can’t anymore,” Jake laughed.

 

Chris, still holding his neck, pulled him into a small room. After pushing Evan to the ground, he kicked and punched him. Jake joined him. After a few minutes, Evan was a bleeding, crying mess. His arms were covered in scratches and his entire body bruised.

 

Chris stopped kicking and started the verbal abuse again. “If you tell anyone we did this, it will be ten times worse next time, Faggot.”  _ Next time?! Please tell me they’re not saying this will happen again. _ With that, they ran out of the room, leaving Evan for dead as far as they knew.

 

~~~~

 

After cleaning himself up a little, he walked back to his room. Thankfully, it was empty. Evan walked slowly over to his bed, lay down, curled into a ball and cried. A good thirty minutes later of solid crying, the door opened. Evan couldn’t really care if Connor saw him crying since it was too late now anyway.  _ Connor won’t even care. I’m a freak and Connor knows it too. _

 

Connor left after a few minutes and Evan continued to cry. A few minutes after Connor left, he heard a knock at the door.

 

“Evan? You in there?” Evan heard through the door. He knew the voice belonged to Jared and so, he replied.

 

“Yeah? You can come in,” Evan said, not even trying to clean himself up. He didn’t move from his spot; lying on his side in a ball, facing the wall. Jared wouldn’t be able to see his face.

 

“What happened?” Jared questioned, moving to sit on the edge of Evan’s bed.

 

“N- nothing. I’m f- fine,” Evan coughed. He had been crying for a good forty minutes straight since the two left him and his throat was quite sore.

 

“Don’t bullshit me. We both know that’s a lie,” Jared said, trying to sound comforting but also getting a little annoyed.

 

“I’m fine. Please- Please d- drop it.”

 

“Evan,” Jared pressured, putting a hand on his shoulder. Evan flinched away which caused Jared to pull his hand back. “Sorry.”

 

“I said I’m fine. I think you should go.”

 

“Oh, okay. I’ll text you later, okay?” Jared sounded really disappointed that Evan wasn’t talking to him about what happened. Evan, in return, felt guilty for causing his friend to worry. 

 

“Okay,” Evan said quietly. He watched Jared leave out of the corner of his eye. Evan decided to go have a shower to clean himself up. The bathrooms were empty which wasn’t a surprise since it was almost eleven in the morning.

 

Evan chose a stall, got undressed and hopped in the shower. The warm washed over him. He had small bruises along his arms and a massive one on the left of his torso. He couldn’t see his back but he was sure more bruises would be there. After washing his body, he got changed back into the same clothes from before and went back to his dorm.

 

“Hi, Connor,” Evan said as he hung his towel over his chair.

 

“Hey. You feeling better?”

 

“A bit. Thanks.”

 

“You don’t have to say if you don’t want to but what the fuck happened?” Connor hadn’t looked up from his laptop but he did when Evan gave an answer.

 

“Bullies,” was all he said. He remembered the threat but realised there was no way to identify who they were by one word.

 

“Wait. You mean to tell me that students did  _ that _ ?” Connor said, gesturing to his head.

 

“Did what?” Evan turned to look at the mirror hanging next to the door. “Oh my god! I hadn’t even noticed.” There was a massive cut on his forehead, surrounded by an even bigger bruise.

 

“Do you want me to help? I have a first aid kit.” Connor said, reaching into his bedside drawer to pull it out.

 

“Thanks,” Evan said quietly as he sat at the end of Connor’s bed. Connor mirrored his position and they sat, facing each other.

 

Connor unzipped the small bag and pulled out a bottle of antiseptic and a bandaid large enough to cover the cut. He told Evan to lie down so he did that, his head in Connor’s lap. Looking up at him while he prepared to disinfect the cut, Evan blushed. Connor looked down at him and started disinfecting the wound.

 

“So what happened, Hansen?” Connor questioned. “Stay still,” he instructed after Evan flinched. The antiseptic stung an awful lot but he tried his best to stay still.

 

“I got beat up. What does it look like?”

 

Connor laughed a little before grabbing the band-aid. After Connor was finished, Evan sat up and thanked him. Evan noticed a slight blush on the boy’s cheeks before Connor got up to leave, saying ‘no problem’ as he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it so far!
> 
> Summary: Jared tries some more to get Evan to open up but to no success. The two make a bet: if Jared gets more points in laser-tag Evan has to tell him what's up but if Evan gets more, Jared won't mention it again. Chris and Jake find Evan and beat him up, physically and verbally. Connor is super sweet and helps patch Evan back up. Also, there was mild gayness.


	7. Laser Tag And Deals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School started back on Monday for me so I haven't had a chance to get any writing/editing done, but here's a new chapter!

Evan awoke from his sleep when the light filtering through the window hit his closed eyes.  _ We really need to get some curtains in here! _ Evan thought, sitting up in bed. He rubbed his eyes to remove any sleep and checked his phone, which told him it was quarter to eight; Evan had class in forty-five minutes. Connor wasn’t in the room when he woke up which was surprising considering how late the boy usually slept in. After showering, Evan went to breakfast then off to his first class.

 

Evan’s first class passed with ease. He got a small study task and so, decided to go back to the dorm to get it done. Within twenty minutes of getting back to the dorm room, Connor walked in.

 

“Hey, Hansen,” Connor said, closing the door behind him.

 

“You can call me Evan, you know?”

 

“I know. How are you feeling today?”  _ Is he asking how I am? Does he actually care or is he just being nice? He’s probably just being nice. _

 

“A little better, thanks. I’m still covered in bruises so I’m a bit sore but I’m not too bad. What have you been doing this morning?” Evan questioned, trying to maintain a regular, light-hearted conversation.

 

“That’s good, I guess. I had a class and then studied with some others. I missed the introductory lesson so I was getting help catching up.” Connor answered.

 

“Cool. What’s that?” Evan asked, noticing and pointing to the drawing on the table that Connor had taken out of his bag. It was of one of the courtyards on campus and it was very well done. “I didn’t know you drew. It’s really cool. You’re talented.”

 

“Oh, it’s not mine. One of the people I was studying with left it behind so I thought I’d keep it safe. Anyway, what are you working on?” Evan looked to his laptop screen then back to Connor.

 

“Just some school work. Can I ask you something about tomorrow?” Evan questioned.

 

“About laser tag?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Shoot.”  _ Okay. Here we go. It can’t be that bad, right? The worst he could do is say ‘no’. _

 

“So, I made a deal with Jared, and, and IwaswonderingifyoucouldmakesureIwin?” Evan was well aware that what he had said was too fast to understand.

 

“Hansen, you're going to have to speak slower if you want me to understand.”  _ Yep. There it is. _

 

“Oh, right, sorry.” Connor let out a breathy laugh at that. “What?” Evan questioned, having no idea what Connor was laughing at.  _ Is it me? It’s probably me. Oh my god, I’m so useless. I can’t even speak properly. He thinks I’m a freak. I am a freak. _

 

“Nothing. What about the deal with Jared?”

 

“Oh, right. Uhh, well, can you target him in the game tomorrow?”

 

“Why?”

 

“The deal was that if I win, he has to stop nagging me to talk about that thing I don’t want to talk about. But if he wins, I have to tell him. He will probably target me to make me lose points and him gain them,” Evan explained, hoping Connor would agree if he knew the predicament he was in.

 

They weren’t playing normal taser tag. The way it worked was if you hit someone, they are out of action for eight seconds (meaning they can’t shoot but they can still get shot). If you get hit, a point is transferred from the target to the shooter. The player with the most points at the end wins.

 

“Uhh, sure? I guess. But whatever it is Jared want you to talk about, it must be important if he’s betting to get you to talk.”  _ Oh, thank god! He agreed. At least now I stand a chance against Jared. _

 

“I guess. But I really don’t want to. He’ll hate me if I tell him.”

 

“Fair enough. I’ll try my best.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“No problem, Hansen.”

 

Shortly after their conversation, Evan left to go to his 10:15 class. The rest of the day passed in a blur. Evan had lunch, went to another two classes, a study session and then dinner.

 

It was around 9:30 pm when Evan decided to sleep. Lying down and closing his eyes, he thought about the following day until he drifted to sleep.

 

~~~~

 

“Evan, I hope your ready to talk cause I’m planning on winning this bet,” Jared said as they walked into the building. Evan smiled shyly, looking up at Jared for a second but then continued looking at his feet. Since Jared was there, Evan figured he was safe from Jake and Chris. Jared, on the other hand, was scary in a whole different manner.

 

“Hello. How many are playing?” The man asked from the counter.

 

“Six,” Jared replied.

 

“Sixty dollars, please,” the man requested. Jared handed him the money and they were taken back to meet another staff member.

 

“Would you like to play teams or individuals?” The lady questioned.

 

“I think we decided individuals?” Amelia answered, looking around to the others for confirmation, they all agreed.

 

“Okay. The arena is set. There are a few rules though. Firstly, no physical contact. The laser guns do the battling, not you. No teams, you requested individuals and teaming makes it less fun. Also, please don’t climb on the objects and use common sense while playing. Lastly, have fun,” the lady explained.

 

Once they were in battle gear, they entered the arena and split up.

 

“The game will begin in twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen. Seventeen. Sixteen.” The intercom spoke loudly and clearly, counting down for the game to begin.

 

“Fifteen. Fourteen.” Evan zoned out for a few seconds, slightly panicking that he would lose and have to talk to Jared.  _ Why did I agree to that stupid bet?! Jared would continue to pester me about it if I didn’t but that would be better than having to tell him. Oh god, I’m gonna lose. There’s no way in hell I can beat Jared, he plays first-person shooters all the time. _

 

“Three. Two. One. Begin!” The voice spoke. Evan looked around, realising he forgot to look for other players. He saw one across the field and fired. Hit! Evan’s ten starter points changed to eleven and he went to find his next target.

 

~~~~

 

At the end of the game, Evan wasn’t feeling too confident in winning. He ended up with seven points and just had to pray Jared got less. Everyone’s scores showed up on the screen as they exited.

 

Amelia: 9

Chris: 12

Connor: 15

Evan: 7

Jake: 10

Jared: 7

 

Relief flooded Evan once he saw Jared’s score.  _ He got the same! I’m safe! _

 

“So, Evan,” Jared interrupted his thoughts.

 

“Umm, yeah?”

 

“We tied.”

 

“Yes, we did,” Evan was slightly concerned by the tone Jared was using. It’s like he had some sort of plan.

 

“I think we should rematch. In an arena with strangers. No chance of targeting then. And if you say ‘no’, you forfeit. Just a bit of an incentive there.” Jared had the most smug look on his face after the new offer. He was smirking at Evan, probably hoping Evan would forfeit.  _ I don’t want to play again but no way am I forfeiting! _ Evan thought.

 

“Fine. When?”

 

“Tomorrow? I have a class in the morning but we could come in and have lunch afterwards. Say, 11? In the common room?” Jared offered.

 

“Fine,” with that, Jared’s smirk grew even bigger and he walked over to Jake, Chris and Amelia.

 

Back at the dorms, they split into pairs and went separate ways. Entering the room, Connor spoke for the first time since the game ended.

 

“So, what happens with the deal?”

 

“Jared says we should rematch. Go into a battle with strangers. I think he knows you were targeting him.”

 

“And what do you think?” Connor questioned again.

 

“I agreed. I mean, what else can I do. He said if I said no, I forfeit so he wins.”

 

“Makes sense. Sorry I couldn’t be more help.”  _ You shouldn’t be sorry. You did your best. That’s all anyone can ever ask of someone. I’m just disappointed knowing I have no shot at winning without you. _ Evan said to Connor inside his head.

 

“It’s alright. You did your best. I just know I’m gonna lose without your help.”

 

To this, Evan never heard a reply. He knew Connor would have heard him but he chose to ignore the lack of reply. Evan opted to busy himself with the study task as Connor organise his stuff.

 

At around 3:30 pm, Connor left and Evan decided to take to opportunity to call his mum. She picked up on the second ring.

 

“Hello?” Evan heard through the phone. His mum’s voice was enough to make him feel calm. Not that he was particularly uncalm at that moment, but her voice always made him feel better.

 

“Hi, Mum.”

 

“Oh! Sweetheart. How are you doing? Settled in okay? Made any new friends?” Evan was bombarded with questions as soon as she knew who she was talking to.

 

“I’m good. I’m settled in and classes are going good. I played laser tag with a few others this morning. That was fun.”

 

“That’s lovely to hear, honey. Who did you play with?”

 

“Uhh, Jared and three of his friends... and Connor.”

 

“That’s nice. Connor... He’s the boy you share a room with, right?”

 

“Yeah. I was allowed a plus one so I invited him.”

 

“That’s nice of you. Are you getting along?” Evan’s mum continued to interrogate him as any normal mother would. It was a nice feeling for Evan, being able to talk about activities he did with other students. It made him feel more normal, even if two of the people he was with were horrible.

 

“I guess. He seems a bit distant but I always think about what you used to tell me. Be kind to everyone, you never know what’s going on in their own lives.” Evan smiled at that memory. A time before Evan’s anxiety was bad. A time when Evan had a bigger friend group. A time when Jared was truly friends with Evan and it wasn’t for the car insurance.

 

“That’s good. Sorry to cut the conversation short but I’ve got to get to work. Bye honey.”

 

“Bye, Mum.” Evan heard the not-so-familiar beeping of an ended phone call. His mum was the only person he ever called, everyone else got emails or texts.

 

His afternoon was filled with finishing off study tasks and playing puzzle games on his phone. He had dinner and went to bed early. The boy was asleep by eight o’clock which was surprising considering the amount of noise a college dorm creates on a Saturday evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are lovely! Thank you for the comments! They make me so happy!


	8. Answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry I've been mia; school's been kicking my ass :/
> 
> Either way, here's a new chapter!

Sunlight streamed through the windows. The two really needed to get some curtains soon. Evan rubbed his eyes and then opened them. Closing his eyes for a few seconds, he almost fell back to sleep but he forced himself out of bed. Connor was still fast asleep. Evan would have said he was dead if not for the light movement his breathing created. He checked his phone for notifications and the time. It was 8:48 am and he had one message from his mum.

 

Mum - 6:34 am: I booked you another therapy appointment for tomorrow at 4. I thought getting another one would be helpful considering all the changes this past week. Let me know if you can’t do that time.

 

Evan texted his mum back saying the appointment time was fine and that he would spend that night at home. He got up, got ready and went off to his first class.

 

His first class ended at 10:30 and he began walking back to his dorm, unaware of the two shadows following him. He was happily humming along to a song in his head until he suddenly felt a hand over his mouth and he was dragged backwards. His eyes were wide as he was pulled into a small storage room, still having little idea what was happening. He was flailing his arms and kicking his legs but it was useless. He was trapped. His heart rate sped but there was little he could do.

 

Once he was pushed to the floor, he turned over and held himself up with his elbows. His eyes went even wider (if that was even possible) when he realised his captors were Chris and Jake. This caused little surprise for Evan, but a lot more fear.

 

“Hi, Evan,” Jake started. His voice sounded particularly evil and it made Evan wince on its own.

 

“We have a proposition for you. Don’t talk, just listen,” Chris explained. “We will give you all our study tasks to complete for us, or, you can get more beatings. It’s up to you.”  _ What kind of proposition is this?! _

 

“I-” Evan started, getting cut off by a swift fist to the face. Evan cupped his cheek, trying to sooth the stinging.

 

“I said no talking, fag. Maybe he shouldn't get our work. The freak can’t even follow simple instructions. Oh well. It’s better than not having it done at all. So, Evan, what are you deciding?” Chris questioned again. Evan was at war in his head. Is he supposed to say ‘yes’ or will he get in trouble for that too?

 

Evan decided to go with a simple nod.

 

“Good decision. Here you go,” Jake snickered, throwing about seven pages of work towards him. Evan quickly looked through the sheets, realising that the tasks on the sheets had nothing to do with what he was learning. He quickly realised completing these tasks would require a lot of extra research.

 

“So, we both require a sixty per cent average but my parents want better. I’ll need at least an eighty on all tasks, anything less and you earn yourself another beating, got it?” Chris explained. Evan nodded.

 

“We will leave you be today. We’d like your phone number though, so we can let you know any work we get, and also let you know when we are in need of a punching bag. Got that?” Jake explained. Once again, Evan nodded, too scared to speak. He handed his phone over and they wrote down their numbers before chucking it on the floor beside Evan and leaving.

 

Evan, for the most part, was uninjured. Just a small bruise forming on his right cheek. Evan sat for around ten minutes. Just sat there, thinking. Thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. It wasn’t until he got a text that he was pulled out of his thoughts.

 

Jared - 11:07 am: Hey. You on your way? I’m waiting.

 

Evan - 11:07 am: Yeah. Sorry. I got distracted. I’m about ten minutes away. I’ve got some stuff to drop off at my room.

 

Jared - 11:08 am: Ok, all good. See you soon.

 

Evan stood, walked out of the room and quickly made his way back to his room. He put the sheets of work in one of his drawers and went to the common room.

 

“Hey, Ev- What happened to your face?” Jared inquired.

 

“Uh, nothing. I’m fine. Ready to go?” Evan lied. Besides, Jared would know soon enough if Evan couldn’t think of a realistic lie for his strange behaviour.

 

“Okay...” Jared dragged out the ‘a’, making it more of a ‘I don’t believe you but sure’.

 

They walked quickly to the laser tag building. After paying, they went through the rules again and into the arena.

 

Evan: 3

Jared: 14

Lyla: 8

Noah: 12

Shantel: 13

 

The scores were no surprise. Evan knew he would have lost without Connor, or someone, targeting Jared.

 

“Let’s go to lunch. Where would you like?” Jared questioned. He was smiling but he also didn’t look too cocky at the fact that he won.

 

“I- I don’t m- mind,” Evan stuttered out. He knew quite well what was going to happen at that lunch. He would tell Jared, he would hate him and Evan would get worse beat-ups.

 

They sat in silence as they ate, Evan shaking and Jared trying not to scare him.

 

“Are you going to tell me?” he asked quietly as if anything louder with make Evan run.

 

Evan swallowed the food he was chewing and prepared himself for speech.

 

“I- Idon’tlikeyourfriends,” Evan spoke quickly but Jared had become quite skilled at deciphering Evan’s rambles.

 

“Why not?” Jared looked a little hurt like it was a personal attack on him.

 

“I told you you’d hate me!” Evan half yelled. He was getting scared and angry. Angry at who? He wasn’t sure. He was angry at himself for causing Jared to worry, but he was also angry at Jared for pushing him and angry at his friends for starting all this.

 

“I don’t hate you. Evan, please calm down. You're going to have another attack,” Jared’s voice was strong, but not aggressive. Evan focussed on slowing his breathing.

 

“Good. Now, can you tell me why you don’t like my friends?” Jared coaxed. He wasn’t being mean, he was asking out of genuine concern.

 

“Th- they’re mean,” Evan said, a matter of factly. He knew he was being vague but he really didn’t want to get hurt more.

 

“Can I have an example?”

 

“They call me names and stuff,” Evan said quietly. He had his head down, staring at his food as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

 

“I’ll talk to them. Find out wh-”

 

“No! I mean, it’s fine. Please... don’t.” Evan was staring straight into Jared’s eyes for a split second, before looking back to his food.

 

“How'd you get the bruise, Evan?” Jared asked, catching on to the truth.

 

“What?” Evan looked up. He was panicking now, with no hope of slowing his breath.

 

“How’d you get the bruise?” he asked again, clearly and slowly.

 

“I, uh, I walked into a wall?” Evan suggested.  _ Damnit! Why can’t my brain help me out just once?! _

 

“Evan,” Jared coaxed. It was obvious he knew it was a lie.

 

“Fine. It was bullies. But I’m not saying who,” Evan explained quietly.

 

“You don’t have to; I can already guess. Is it all three of them?” Jared looked very concerned now, the food on their plates long forgotten.

 

“No, Amelia’s nice.”

 

“So it is Chris and Jake? Thanks for confirming that. I was just guessing,” Jared laughed a little at the end, probably trying, and failing, to lighten the mood.

 

Evan nodded in response. “I’m gonna go now. I’ve got work to do.” He stood and left before Jared could reply. He walked briskly, trying to get back to his room as quickly so he could break down and cry. He felt one tear fall, which he quickly wiped away.

 

His room was empty. Connor was missing, who knows where. Evan couldn’t really care at that point, he just went to his bed, lay down and cried.

 

_ Why am I so useless? Now Jared hates me. I have no friends. Makes sense, I’m a freak. A messed up freak. I’ll never be worth anything. Ever. Everyone would be happier if I wasn’t a mistake. I can’t even get dying right! All I had to do was pick a higher tree and everyone would be happy. All I do is cause worry and stress. _ The thoughts were enough to get Evan to look through his bottom drawer.

 

He was looking for a particular thing which he found when the silver was made visible. He pulled the blade out from the messy draw. He’d never done this before, always too scared the blood wouldn’t stop. He pulled his sleeve and looked at the smooth skin.

 

_ I’m worthless. Nothing I ever do will ever be right. I can’t get one thing right. _ His thoughts continued, the blade getting closer and closer to his skin. It was about two millimetres away from contact.

 

“Stop,” a voice said. He looked up from his wrist and saw Connor standing there, holding his wrist. “It won’t help.” Connor sounded sad, scared almost.

 

_ He’s wrong. He doesn’t even care about me. _

 

“I-” was all Evan got out before the tears came in a third wave. Connor sat next to him and pulled him in for a hug. Evan did nothing to pull away. Connor’s arms snaked around Evan, pulling him closer, rubbing his back. Evan had his head in Connor’s chest, one hand holding his shirt tightly as if it were the only thing holding him to reality.

 

Connor took this opportunity to take the blade out of Evan’s other hand, putting it on the table. They stayed like this for a while. Evan crying into Connor’s chest and Connor comforting him. Once Evan’s tears had slowed to sniffles, Connor spoke.

 

“What caused that?” he spoke calmly, firm but not accusatory in any way. It sounded like he knew and understood the pain Evan was experiencing.

 

Connor went to pull away so Evan could speak but Evan just hugged tighter. They sat in another few minutes of silence until Evan broke the hug, apologising.

 

“Hey, it’s alright. No need to apologise,” Connor said, quietly.

 

“Sorry.” Connor giggled a little, earning a small smile from Evan.

 

“Just, believe me. It doesn’t help. And it’s difficult to stop,” Connor advised. Evan tilted his head, slightly confused how Connor knew. Connor seemed to pick up on this confusion as he sighed and pulled his sleeves back, resting his arms on his crossed legs.

 

Evan’s eyes welled up with tears again. He grabbed Connor’s arms and looked at all the scars. There were hundreds of them. Some were older and pale, barely visible but others were red and aggressive. Connor pulled his arms away and covered the scars.

 

“Why?” Evan queried. His voice was quiet. He wasn’t even sure Connor heard.

 

“I don’t want to. Like I said, it’s difficult to stop once you start. So, please, don’t start?”

 

Evan shook his head, unsure himself whether that meant he was agreeing or not. He leaned forward and hugged Connor again, pushing him over. Evan was half laying on top of him, head resting on Connor’s chest. Evan could hear his heart beating, which was calming. Connor was playing with Evan’s hair which was working to calm him more.

 

He sat up when there was an angry knock at the door. Connor stood and answered it.

 

“Hello?” Connor said, not recognising the people in the door. Evan would never not recognise them; Chris and Jake.

 

“Hi. Can you send Evan out? We need to talk to him,” Jake explained in an innocent voice.

 

Connor looked to Evan and the terrified look on his face. Connor must have realised how scared Evan was because he quickly turned back to the two boys.

 

“Not right now.”

 

“Yes, Now! Send him out or we’re coming in!” Chris’ voice was raised.

 

“You’re not seeing him,” Connor said, standing strong. Evan was sitting on his bed, shaking, too scared to say or do anything. Next thing he knew, Connor was pushed back into the room and the two walked in.

 

“Evan, follow us. We need to have a little chat,” Jake snarled. Once again, Evan couldn’t move. He watched Connor grab Chris, drag him out of the room and punched him. Jake started to help Chris, but Connor was thankfully strong enough to fight both of them.

 

The punch up lasted less than twenty seconds as students dragged them off each other. Chris and Jake walked away after getting released and Connor went back into the room.

 

“Connor, I- I’m so so sorry. Y- you didn’t h- have to d- do that,” Evan said, standing to walk over to Connor.

 

“It’s fine, Hansen. No biggie.” Evan watched Connor brush it off, not seeming to care that he had a nose bleed.

 

“You're bleeding. Let me help.” Evan offered.

 

“I’m fine. I don’t need your help,” Connor snarled. He seemed a little angry but also like he was trying not to get too fired up. He grabbed a few tissues and held them to his nose.

 

“Thank you,” Evan said quietly, sitting back on his bed.

 

“No problem. You were in no state to deal with those dickheads. Who even were they?”

 

“Chris and Jake. Jared’s friends,” Evan said. His head was hanging, watching his hands play with the hem of his shirt.

 

“And do you know what they wanted?”

 

Evan swallowed and nodded slowly. Jared must have spoken to them about the bullying and now they are going to beat Evan up worse than ever before. At least that’s what they said. Evan was unsure how it could get worse but he was sure they would manage.

 

There was a knock at the door and Evan winced, thinking it was Chris and Jake back for round two.

 

“Who- who is it?” Evan spoke, shaking once again.

 

“Jared. Can I come in?” The voice spoke. Evan stood and opened the door, being hugged instantly.

 

“Oh! You're okay. I heard Connor started a punch up and I thought you were hurt.”

 

“No. I’m fine.”

 

Jared pulled back and started to shout at Connor.

 

“What the hell, dude?! I don’t know who you hit but you lay a hand of Evan and I’ll-” Jared was yelling. It was kind of entertaining cause Connor just sat there, unfazed. Evan did decide to step in though to correct Jared.

 

“Jared! No! He wasn’t going to,” Evan tried to explain, to which Jared calmed and looked to Evan, asking for more explanation. “He was protecting me. He helped.”

 

“He- what?” Jared looked confused. Probably trying to process how Connor Murphy, the school psycho, could and would defend anyone other than himself.

 

“He was protecting me. Chris and Jake came over.”

 

“Oh. Well, thanks, I guess. That was cool of you,” Jared spoke to Connor, turning away from Evan to say it.

 

“An apology would be nice,” Connor grumbled, but it was still understandable.

 

“Sorry,” Jared said. He was blushing, probably from embarrassment. “So, you're okay?” he questioned Evan.

 

“I’m okay. For now.”

 

“I’m still a little confused as to what’s happening. Can you go from the start?” Jared asked. “It’s probably best Connor knows what’s going on too, since you share a room and all.”

 

“What’s going on?” Connor joined in. Evan sighed and sat on his bed, leaving room for Jared to sit as well.

 

He sighed, getting ready to explain everything.

 

“It started when we went out for dinner with them. When you went to order, they asked me things like if we were dating. When I said no, they said things like ‘of course not’ and ‘why would he ever want to date you’. When you returned, they stopped. Apparently, they told you we got along well, which was a complete lie. Lunch the next day was alright, I didn’t leave your side so they didn’t try anything. But you picked up on my nervousness so tried to get me to speak. You both know what happened from there. Amelia apologised for their behaviour and said she talked to Jake but he played dumb. She invited me for laser tag saying she understood if I didn’t want to. I didn’t particularly want to, but then I asked Connor and I had to go.” Evan explained, shooting a look and small smile to Connor.

 

“From there, a couple days ago, they showed up while I was walking back here after a lesson. They basically just beat me up. Covered me in bruises and that’s how I got this.” Evan continued, pointing to the scab on his head.

 

“They said if I told anyone it would be worse next time. Nothing happened again until this morning. I was walking back from a class again and they pulled me into one of the smaller storage rooms. They just called me names and gave me an ultimatum, which I agreed to. Chris punched me in the face but that was all. You know everything else.” Evan was crying by the time he finished. Tears rolling down his cheeks, remembering everything that had happened.

 

“What was the ultimatum?” Jared questioned, trying to get all the information.

 

“I, uh, I had to do all this, plus whatever else they get,” Evan explained, grabbing the sheets out of the draw and handing it to Jared.

 

“Is this- Are these their study tasks?” Connor questioned, looking over to the pages in Jared’s hands.

 

Evan nodded, wiping another set of tears away.

 

“And what happens if you don’t do it?” Connor asked. All three of them were speaking quietly, barely above a whisper. Evan wasn't sure if it was so no one could overhear, or so Evan was able to remain calmer. Either way, he was appreciative.

 

“In their words, they would make my life a living hell.”

 

“Well,” Jared started, putting the pages next to him. “There’s no way we're letting that happen. We can talk to the staff. Get them expelled or something.” Connor nodded in agreement.

 

“We can’t. I’d prefer to not live in hell,” Evan joked although it was half serious.

 

“We won’t let that happen. Come on,” Jared coaxed, standing and holding a hand out to help Evan stand.

 

“Uh, O- okay...” Evan agreed. He was terrified of what they would do but two people already know and that was the only threat. There was nothing extra for informing the authority. Well, as far as logistics went’ anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always welcome! And comments always make me so happy so don't feel like you're being annoying by commenting! I love hearing what you have to say!


	9. Apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I just posted like 15 minutes ago but all I had to do was edit the next chapter so I figured I'd get it posted too! Enjoy!

As they left the room, Evan’s heart began racing more than had been before. His ears were ringing and he was unable to understand Jared’s voice. He was sweaty and panting as if he’d just ran a marathon.

 

As Evan’s panic attack grew worse, his legs gave out. He collapsed on the floor, Jared joining him quickly after. Jared had become quite skilled at calming Evan when he had panic attacks; he’d definitely had his fair share of practice. Evan could remember the first time Jared was present for his panic attack; the boy had had no clue what was going on or how to help. Looking back on it, it was quite a funny memory the two shared.

 

Evan sat with his back to the wall, legs pulled up to his chest and he was hugging them for comfort. Jared sat in front of him, legs crossed, remaining calm. Jared was saying something, probably along the lines of ‘breath with me,’ but all Evan could hear was ringing and mumbles.

 

“-an? Evan? Can you hear me? I need you to breathe with me. Can you do that for me?” Jared’s voice penetrated the ringing. Evan looked up to Jared, slowly nodding his head.

 

“Okay. We’re gonna breath in, count to four, then breath out and count to four. Can you do that?” Evan nodded again.

 

“Good. Okay. Breath in.” Jared punctuated this with a big breath in; Evan followed best he could but only got to ‘two’ before his rapid breathing took over. “Good job. We can try again. Ready? Okay. Breath in. Two, three, four. Breath out. Two, three, four.” Evan followed this time, completing the entire breath slowly as Jared requested. “Well done. I’m proud of you. Let’s do that again, okay?” They continued this for a few minutes before Evan’s breathing was semi-normal.

 

While this all went down, Connor stood off to the side, not getting closer but not moving away either.  _ Great. He thinks I’m such a freak. I’m so weird. Why can’t I do anything right? _ Evan’s thoughts were punctured by Jared placing his hands on Evan’s knees. Evan knew this was supposed to be a comforting gesture but Evan felt too closed in at this time. He shook his head to try and get this across and it worked. Jared’s hands retreated with a soft ‘sorry’.

 

The breathing exercises repeated for a few more minutes before Evan felt as calm as he could post-attack. Jared pulled him to his feet while Evan whispered an apology and ‘thank you’.

 

“No need to apologise. Do you want to talk to Mr Quinn another time?” Jared questioned. Mr Quinn was the staff member who dealt with student requests and complaints. Evan nodded and was led back to his room, Connor following quietly behind.

 

~~~~

 

“Evan! Evan!? Are you in there?” Jared’s voice sounded through the room mixed with banging on the door.

 

“Yeah; one sec,” Evan replied. Connor had gone out for dinner but Evan decided to stay in, too scared of running into Chris or Jake, or, god forbid, both. He stood and opened the door, Jared rushing in past him.

 

“What happened?” Evan questioned. Jared looked... he wasn’t sure. This wasn’t an emotion Jared often had, whatever it was. Evan couldn’t place the emotion, not even if it was positive or negative.

 

“You’ll never guess what happened after I left!” Jared practically yelled. Evan though the emotion could possibly be excitement but he also looked a little unsure so Evan still couldn't decide.

 

“What?” Evan coaxed.

 

“Well. You might want to sit down. It’s really good news... kinda. Good for you.” Jared replied. Evan moved and sat on his bed, Jared standing in front of him. “Okay. So like, I walked back to my room and I heard some kinda cracking and swinging sounds. Needless to say, I was confused. I opened the door, and Chris was there. No biggie, it’s his room too. But he had a baseball bat in his hand and he was smashing the room to pieces,” Jared explained. He had a massive smile on his face which Evan was confused about. Why was he so happy to have his room destroyed.

 

“Why is that good?” Evan questioned when Jared paused.

 

“Because,” Jared began, dragging out the word. “I obviously didn’t want to go in the room. He had a baseball bat for fuck’s sake.” Evan flinched a little at the swear but it was barely noticeable. He hated swears and would usually scold Jared for it but he didn’t wish to interrupt.

 

“So I went and pressed the big emergency button in the hallway.” On each level of their dorms, there were three buttons in two locations. One button was for a fire, and the other two were for big (aka life-threatening) and small (non-life-threatening) emergencies. “Anyway, the staff came a minute later and got him under control. The asked if I was fine to which I said ‘yes’ cause he hadn't even realised I was there. Anyway, he got taken to the office and he got back about half an hour ago. I decided not to ask what happened considering I’d rather be alive and I’m honestly quite scared of him knowing what he did to you and the room. I watched as he began to pack his stuff and I spoke up. I asked where he was going and he said home. He got kicked out of the dorms and he lives too far away to stay here without the dorms! Evan, you understand what this means? He’s leaving the college!” Jared began yelling and speaking quicker towards the end, clear excitement in his voice.

 

“That’s good, I guess. But what about Jake? He’ll still around,” Evan added.

 

Jared shook his head in response before continuing. “I already visited Jake and apparently he’d already been told. Chris must have stopped by on the way to the room. Anyway, Jake apologised and said he only did it out of fear for Chris. He said he’d leave you alone and hoped that you could have a fresh start.”

 

Evan nodded, not really sure how to respond. He was unsure about the idea of a fresh start with Jake. He was glad he was safe but being friends might be a bit of a stretch; maybe Jake would be fine with acquaintances who occasionally hung out.

 

“Hey, Evan. Have you had dinner yet?” Jared questioned, interrupting his short train of thought.

 

Evan shook his head. “No. I didn’t want to run into Chris and/or Jake. I’m not that hungry anyway.”

 

“Jake and Amelia invited us, if you want to. He really wants to apologise to you directly. He seemed sincere when he told me,” Jared added. For some strange reason, Evan felt himself agreeing and leaving to go to the common room where Jake and Amelia were waiting.

 

“Hey!” Amelia introduced. “How are you? I heard what this one did,” Amelia said, resting her hands on his shoulders and shooting him a glare when she spoke of him. Evan knew she wasn’t seriously mad though because she smiled afterwards and he laughed a little.

 

“I’m fine,” Evan replied. She dropped her hands and moved back next to Jake who encased her hand in his for a split second before letting go. Jake moved forward and stood in front of Evan.

 

“I’m sorry I was such a jerk. Can we start again?” Jake asked, his voice sweet and kind.

 

“I guess,” Evan mumbled. Jake thanked him like five times, Evan continuously saying ‘It’s fine’.

 

“So where are we going?” Jared asked, his stomach grumbling on cue.

 

~~~~

 

The sat at the table of the restaurant, sitting in silence while studying the menus. They were seated in a booth with Amelia and Jake on one side and Jared and Evan on the other. After a few minutes, Jared bumped Evan’s side, getting his attention.

 

“What are you getting?” Jared questioned. Evan pointed to one of the pizzas.

 

“This, thanks. And a sprite.” Evan replied. Jared nodded.

 

When the waiter came, Amelia and Jake ordered and Jared followed, ordering for him and Evan. When the waiter left, conversations began.

 

“I don’t mean to sound rude but why did Jared order for you?” Jake questioned. His voice still didn’t sound angry or aggressive but Evan was still cautious. He was unsure if he wanted to answer honestly as it could backfire if Jake was, indeed, still hostile.

 

“I have social anxiety,” Evan replied quietly, deciding to tell the truth.

 

“Oh, okay. My bro’s got that so I know what it’s like. That’s nice of you dude,” Jake answered, turning to Jared quickly before speaking to Evan again. “Sorry if I made you embarrassed or scared or something.”

 

“It’s fine.”

 

The rest of their dinner was eaten in light-hearted conversations and soon they were paying and leaving. Jake insisted on paying Evan’s part as an apology gift which Evan reluctantly accepted.

 

~~~~

 

When Evan got back, Connor was in the room on his laptop. Evan explained the new situation quickly to him and lay down.

 

Evan fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next day held classes and hopefully little injury. He also had to catch the train back home at 12:30 pm to make his 4 pm therapy appointment. He was looking forward to seeing his mother since it had been a week, not to mention sleeping in his own bed in his own room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please comment! I love all your messages!


	10. Therapies And Cafes

Evan awoke early on Monday morning. The sun was still down and Connor was fast asleep. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up and checked his phone: 6:34 am.

 

Evan noticed that he wasn’t dressed in PJs and all at once, the memories of yesterday came to the front of his mind. He stood, grabbed some clean clothes and his toiletry bag and went to the bathrooms.

 

Getting into the shower was relaxing. Evan had always enjoyed showers. It was as if the water washed away all his thoughts. All his issues. All his... everything.

 

Evan walked to the canteen after getting ready and he paid for breakfast.

 

It was 7:15 am and Evan was sitting in his class. The teacher walked in exactly on time and began her class.

 

Evan’s morning was filled with classes and thankfully no beatings. He sat at lunch on his own, quietly typing up some school work. Around midday, he went back to his room and grabbed a few things he needed for the night. He also grabbed a sticky note and wrote a note for Connor.

 

_ Connor, _

 

_ I’m sorry you had to be present for all my mess ups. I’m dealing with it this afternoon. I won’t be here tonight so you know. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me _

 

Evan put the note on his pillow, grabbed his duffle bag and left for the train station.

 

~~~~

 

His phone had died shortly after getting on the train. He'd managed to text his mother though so she wouldn’t worry when he didn’t reply.

 

“Evan!” his mum called from the train station exit. She was waving her arms around, getting his attention and the attention of about ten other passengers.

 

“Hi, mum,” Evan replied, pulling her in for a hug.

 

“Ready?” she questioned, grabbing Evan’s bag off him.

 

“Yep.”

 

~~~~

 

“So how have you been since we last met?” his psychologist questioned as Evan sat in his usual seat.

 

“Alright. College started,” Evan replied.

 

“How’s that been?”

 

“Alright, I guess. I got a dorm room which is nice. I’m sharing with a boy named Connor since his roommate, uhh, nevermind.”

 

“What happened to his roommate?”

 

“He left. College wasn’t his thing,” Evan explained. It was only a half-truth but he didn’t often tell full truths anyway.

 

“How was meeting Connor? Was your anxiety okay?” his psychologist asked.

 

“I guess.”

 

“Have you met anyone else?”

 

“I’m still spending time with Jared. He introduced me to his friends but I didn’t particularly like them,” Evan replied. He wasn’t inclined to repeat the story of the past week but he knew Laura would probably ask.

 

“Why not?” she questioned.  _ Damn it! Please don't make me say it again. It was bad enough the first time saying it to Jared and Connor. _

 

“I’d prefer not to talk about it. If that’s okay?” Evan requested quietly. He only sometimes got shy or nervous in these appointments, usually when he was asking not to do or say something.

 

“Of course. But it may help.”

 

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

 

“Okay.”

 

On his way out, Evan made a mental note to charge his phone when he got home since he hadn't got a chance to charge it yet.

 

“How was it?” Heidi questioned as they climbed into the car.

 

“Alright.”

 

~~~~

 

It was eight o’clock by the time Evan’s phone turned on. When he arrived home, they’d had dinner and watched a movie. He had completely forgotten about his phone. Evan picked it up and read through his notifications.

 

Jared - 2:28 pm: Hi. Can you text me?

 

Jared - 2:33 pm: Connor’s here. What did you mean you're dealing with it?

 

Jared - 2:42 pm: Evan? Please reply?

 

Jared - 2:57 pm: This isn’t funny. What did that note mean?

 

Missed call from Jared (2)

 

Jared - 3:17 pm: Evan, please reply! I’m worried.

 

Jared - 3:54 pm: Where are you? Why aren’t you sleeping here tonight? What’s happening?

 

Missed call from Jared (3)

 

Jared - 4:09 pm: Evan! What the hell!

 

Jared - 4:11 pm: Connor told me you almost self-harmed!

 

Jared - 4:12 pm: Where are you?!

 

Jared - 4:14 pm: Are you okay? Are you safe?

 

Missed call from Jared (5)

 

Jared - 4:43 pm: Seriously!

 

Jared - 4:44 pm: Evan! Are you safe? Please reply!

 

Jared - 4:47 pm: Are you okay?!

 

Jared - 4:52 pm: Evan! Please! You're scaring me!

 

Jared - 4:53 pm: I tried calling your mum but she didn’t pick up.

 

Missed call from Jared (3)

 

The rest of the notifications were repeats of the same thing. Evan read over them, feeling absolutely terrible.  _ How could I do this to him?! I’m a terrible friend! _

 

“Honey? Are you okay?” His mum questioned. He hadn’t even realised he’d started crying and shivering. His mum placed a hand on his shoulder and he leaned into the touch. She reached to grab his phone which Evan was strangling but he tightened his grip ever more if that was possible. He also shook his head trying to communicate.

 

“Hey, hey. Evan, you're okay. I’m here.”

 

After an exhausting panic attack, Evan fell asleep in his mum’s arms, clutching his phone to his chest.

 

~~~~

 

Evan woke to more vibrations from his phone.

 

“Huh?” Evan said, blinking slowly.

 

He looked to his phone and was Jared was calling. All at once, Evan remembered what happened yesterday and he instantly felt guilty yet again.

 

“Jared?” Evan questioned into the phone.

 

“Oh my god! Evan! You’re okay! Jesus Christ! Why didn’t you reply to any of my messages? Connor and I were freaking out!” Jared half-yelled. He sounded angry but also sad and scared at the same time.

 

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I fell asleep,” Evan replied slowly. He was still half asleep and was in no state to deal with this conversation.

 

“Are you okay? You’re safe?”

 

“Yes. I’m home.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“I didn’t tell you? I had an appointment with Laura yesterday so I ended up sleeping at home. Sorry for making you worry. But, why did you worry so much?”

 

“I was confused. The note you left Connor was confusing and we were a little worried. Then he told me what happened yesterday and I got really scared. I had no idea what you were planning.” Jared replied.  _ Wait! What?! Connor told you!? Crap! Crap! Crap! He doesn't need to worry about me. Neither do you. That was one time! _

 

“I’m fine. Look, I’ve gotta go. I’ll be back at school around 12:30. I’ll text you when I arrive,” Evan stated.

 

“Oh, okay. I’ll see you as soon as you get back. Stay safe. Bye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

~~~~

 

“Breakfast Ev!” his mum called through the house. Evan stood and walked into the kitchen, being engulfed by the smell of french toast.

 

“You made french toast,” Evan observed.

 

“Yep. Sit,” Heidi instructed. Evan sat in front of the plate and dug in.

 

“I was going to ask yesterday but you seemed distracted,” Heidi began, taking her seat. Evan shoved a bite into his mouth and looked to his mother, raising his eyes.

 

“How’d you get that?” Heidi questioned, gesturing to his head. Evan had completely   about it. The bruising was gone and the cut no longer hurt.

 

“Oh, I uh,” He began, desperately searching for an answer. “I walked into a door,” Evan lied. He wasn’t sure how realistic it was and his mum usually could tell when he was lying. It was a special power that came with being a mum. But if she did, she’d usually left it which Evan liked.

 

“Spacial awareness, Evan,” She joked, smiling before continuing to talk about her work from the previous day.

 

After breakfast, Evan had a shower, changed clothes and left for the train.

 

~~~~

 

Evan walked into his dorm room and chucked his duffle bag on his bed. Connor wasn’t there at that time, probably in a lesson or off high somewhere. Evan decided to unpack his bag. Afterwards, he made his way to a cafe for lunch.

 

He was seated at a small table in the corner of the cafe when a figure walked up to him. Evan began to panic, thinking it was Chris or Jake. He was wrong. It was so much worse. It was Jared. Evan had planned out their conversation on the train ride back, it wasn’t like he had much else to do.

 

“What the hell, dude?!” Jared began. He sounded angry but was caring in the fact that he pulled Evan from his seat and into a bear hug.

 

“I’m sorry,” Evan replied quietly. Jared pulled back from the hug after a minute only for Evan to have his sleeve pushed up. “Wha-?” Evan began, confused by Jared’s motion.

 

“Thank god,” Jared whispered, pulling Evan’s sleeve back down. Jared took a seat across from Evan and he sat as well. “You’re not allowed to wear long sleeves anymore,” Jared stated as if he were Evan’s father doling out a punishment.

 

“What? Why? It’s starting to get cold out,” Evan argued. This was true as Autumn had just begun and it usually became cold out quickly after.

 

“I don’t care. I want to see your arms. Know your safe. Not hurting yourself,” Jared continued. Everything quickly became clear. Jared’s odd behaviour. His need to see Evan’s arms. Connor had told Jared. Told Jared he almost self-harmed. Keyword there was ‘almost’. Blade never met skin and though Evan couldn’t confirm it never would, he certainly wouldn’t let Jared worry about something that never happened.

 

“I never-” he began. “I didn’t- I didn’t actually do it,” he went with.

 

Jared shook his head. “But you would have if Connor hadn’t stopped you, right?!” Jared raised his voice when asking the question. Evan noticed the tears forming in his eyes and felt even more terrible than he already did.

 

“I- I don’t know. Maybe,” Evan answered truthfully. He suddenly felt a burst of courage and asked the question floating in his mind. “Why do you care so much anyway?”

 

“I- what?” Jared replied. His anxious expression turned to one of confusion.

 

“Why do you care? The only reason you talk to me if for your car insurance,” Evan replied, no idea where his courage was coming from. Up until a few moments before, he’d felt small and shy.

 

“Evan, that’s- that’s not true,” Jared argued. Evan scoffed. “It’s not. I care about you because you're my friend. I don’t like seeing my friends hurting.”

 

“Then why do you always say I’m just for car insurance?” Evan questioned, not really believing Jared.

 

“I- I don’t know. I make jokes and usually, they aren’t as funny as I think. Sorry.”

 

Evan wanted to believe him, he really did. It was just difficult. Ever since the start of freshman year, Jared had been saying it was for car insurance. That’s four years of him saying their friendship was fake, not real. It was hard to believe Jared saying the exact opposite of what had been drilled into his mind ever since freshman year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback/Comments are more than welcome! I'm so happy when I get to hear what you think!


	11. Bowling Is Supposed To Be Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Hints at suicide/suicidal thoughts & physical abuse (Chris comes back)

“I- I don’t know. I make jokes and usually, they aren’t as funny as I think. Sorry,” Jared answered. Evan tried to believe him but it was difficult.

 

“I- I’d like t- to b- believe y-you but a- all you’ve d- done for f- four y- years is s- say it w-was f- fake,” Evan replied shakily. He was scared Jared would hate him for not trusting him but it was just difficult.

 

“Please, Evan. I’m a jerk. I don’t mean to be but I am. I often say stuff and regret it but the damage is done by that point. I’m sorry, Evan. I never wanted you to feel you were just for car insurance ‘cause your not. You're so much more than that.”

 

_ He’s lying. All he cares about is himself and his car insurance. No one cares about you, _ the voice in Evan’s head told him. He believed it. He believed every word of it.

 

Evan, not wanting to continue this conversation anymore, stood and walked out of the small cafe. Jared didn’t try to stop him which in Evan’s mind, reinforced to notion that Jared was dishonest with what he’d said.

 

~~~~

 

Evan was sitting in his room getting some work done when his Mum texted him.

 

Heidi - 4:02pm: Hi honey. Just checking in. Made it back safe?

 

Evan - 4:03pm: Hi mum. Yep. I’m sitting on my bed getting some work done right now.

 

Heidi - 4:03pm: That’s good. Are you all set for pills and everything?

 

Evan - 4:05pm: I’ve probably got about two weeks left so maybe order another bottle?

 

Heidi - 4:09pm: Done.

 

Evan - 4:10pm: Thanks mum. I’ve got to go.

 

Heidi - 4:10pm: Ok. Have fun. I’ll text you tomorrow. Bye sweetheart.

 

Evan - 4:11pm: Bye mum.

 

~~~~

 

Evan had planned to have dinner and spend the evening with Jared. He knocked on his door and was let in quickly.

 

“Hey, dude,” Jared greeted.

 

“Hi, Jare,” Evan replied.

 

“Ready for dinner?”

 

“Yep.”

 

Evan and Jared had decided to go to a small diner near the campus. They had seen it a few times and both wanted to check it out.

 

“Ev, what do you want?” Jared questioned, following the regular routine of Jared ordering for both of them.

 

~~~~

 

They were almost finished eating their meals and talking about movies to watch that night.

 

Once their meals were paid for, they walked back to the dorms in the dark. The only light have from streetlights and the occasional car that sped past.The two boys chose Jared’s room since he no longer had a roommate. He would probably get one soon enough, but for the next few days, Jared had the luxury of a private room. A private, destroyed room but private nonetheless.

 

~~~~

 

It was around 11 pm when the boys called it quits. They were both quite tired and honestly, staying up late in college was never the best idea. Evan stood and gathered his few belongings.

 

“Evan,” Jared called as Evan was about to walk out of the room.

 

“Yes?” Evan replied.

 

“Arms,” Jared announced. It half sounded like a question but also like it was something expected of Evan. Evan had no idea what ‘arms’ was supposed to mean.

 

“Huh?”

 

Evan watched Jared stand and walk over to him. The boy grabbed Evan’s arm, pulling up his sleeve and repeating it on the other arm. “Good,” Jared said, mostly to himself.

 

Evan tugged his arms away and pushed his sleeves back down. “When are you going to stop this? It’s not going to happen; I’m not going to,” Evan questioned, ending his sentence before the end.

 

“When I can trust you. Night, Ev.”

 

“Goodnight,” Evan sighed, leaving the room and falling asleep a minute after he placed his head on the pillow.

 

~~~~

 

Evan was sitting on his bed, passing time until his first class. It was around 9 am, Wednesday morning. Connor was there, on his laptop, doing something with his hands that Evan tried to ignore. This proved to be more difficult that he thought as every few seconds, Connor was moving his hands in what appeared to be more than fidgeting.

 

“What are you doing?” Evan questioned, curiosity getting the better of him.

 

“Why?” Connor countered. He sounded slightly irritated so Evan took the hint.

 

“Nevermind. I- I’ve got class. Bye.” That was a lie. Evan’s class didn’t start for another hour but he had to leave before Connor got aggressive.

 

As Evan was about to leave, he was called back.

 

“Hansen?” Connor called.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“On Saturday, did you want to go bowling with me and a few friends?” Connor invited.

 

Evan was taken completely by surprise. Why was Connor inviting him places? Did Evan want to go? He wasn’t sure. The concept of meeting new people with one person he didn’t entirely trust didn’t seem like a particularly fun experience.

 

“I, uh, I d- don’t really l- like m- meeting new p- people,” he stuttered out. Would Connor get mad at him for declining?

 

“Would you feel safer if you brought someone along?” Connor questioned.

 

“I- I guess? I- Is that o- okay?”

 

“‘Course Hansen. Just let me know who you're bringing,” Connor answered, smiling. Connor naturally had a frown on his face and it was odd to see him smiling.

 

Evan smiled back and nodded before walking out to wait in the common room.

 

~~~~

 

Evan knew he was safe. He’d had a run in with Jake while on his own and nothing bad happened. If anything, the interaction was quite positive.

 

_ “Hey, Evan,” Jake called from behind him, jogging to catch up. Evan’s heart instantly picked up, fear wrapping his body. _

 

_ “H- hi,” Evan replied shakily. _

 

_ “I’ve told you I won’t hurt you anymore. I’ve been meaning to ask actually, can I get that homework sheet back? I don’t have my work written down anywhere else.” _

 

_ “Y- yeah. It’s in my room.” _

 

_ “Coolio. Let’s go then.” Jake seemed quite happy at that moment. Maybe that’s why he was being so nice to Evan. _

 

Evan walked into his room and Connor was sitting on his bed, still with his laptop.  _ Has he even moved since I left? _

 

“Hi. I’d like to go bowling if that’s okay with you?” Evan announced as he plugged his phone into charge.

 

“Of course. You bringing a plus one?” Connor questioned.

 

“Can I bring Jared?” Evan asked, cautious as he knew Jared and Connor weren’t exactly friends.

 

“You can bring Kleinman,” Connor replied.

 

“Thanks,” Evan was slightly shocked that Connor was so fine with Jared joining along. Maybe they didn’t hate each other as much as Evan thought.

 

~~~~

 

It was Saturday morning. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday had all past as expected. Classes, meals, Jared kinda being a dick, sleep, etc. Just the usual stuff you’d expect from a college student. That was until Saturday. Saturday, the day that was supposed to be fun and games.

 

Jared, Evan and Connor piled into Connor’s car while the other three took another. Introductions were fairly normal and, with Jared there, Evan’s nerves stayed reasonably low considering he was meeting new people. The first friend they were introduced to was Garrett. He seemed quite nice and his boyfriend, Dario, did to. Dario was mute and when Evan learnt this, he felt stupid for not realising what Connor had been doing. He was learning sign language. Maria was the third and final person they met. She was Garrett’s younger sister who started college the next year.

 

~~~~

 

They were all set to start the first of three games they had planned. Everyone had shoes on and their bowling balls in the machine.

 

Maria went first (eight), then Garrett (four) and Dario (strike). Jared was up next with a seven and Evan with a six. Connor went last and got eight.

 

By the end of their third game, their arms were all tired and sore. Who knew bowling could be so tiring? Connor had one the first game, Maria the second and Dario with a near perfect score on the third game.

 

~~~~

 

Evan had decided to walk home alone. He had had enough social interactions for that day and just needed to be alone. So that’s what he did. With a promise to stop by Jared’s one he got back, he set off on his own.

 

It was about 4:30 pm and Evan was about halfway back. Evan hadn’t realised that a twenty minutes drive would equate to about an hour’s walking. But he didn’t mind. It gave him time to clear his head. That was until he’d heard footsteps behind him. He kept calm, knowing that other people could walk on the same footpath without following him.

 

He crossed to road, trying to get away from the ever present sound. It followed. He turned around to get a look at the thing that was following and he was met with a swift fist to the face.

 

Evan stumbled backwards, hand raising to cup his cheek. It was stinging an awful lot and Evan felt a warm substance reach his fingers. He was bleeding. He looked up to see through his watery eyes. He saw Chris. But not a regular Chris. He was fuming. And surrounded by what appeared to be junkies.

 

Before Evan could properly process what was happening, he was on the ground being repeatedly punched and kicked by what Evan guessed was around six people.

 

He had no concept of time in this state. All he could think of is the pain. The blood. Oh god, there was so much blood.

 

Evan could feel every slight movement his body made and it hurt. Hurt a hell lot more than anything he’d ever felt before. It felt like he’d jumped off a building. A building fifty times taller that the tree he’d jumped from.

 

Suddenly, his pain decreased tenfold. He was aware of the lack of punches and kicks to his wavering body. He slowly opened his eyes and saw dark blue blurs that weren't there before. He closed his eyes, starting to black out. He thought he was dead. He wished he was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've said I'd try to have an update schedule but with exams coming up in a few weeks and just life in general, I haven't been very good at sticking to it. So rather than saying I'll update on certain days and inevitably disappointing you when I don't, I'm just gonna post when I'm ready :) Stay safe and I'll post as soon as the next chapter is ready!


	12. Heidi Knows

Evan slowly became conscious again. He had no idea how much time had passed but his body wasn’t in any pain. In fact, it felt he was lying on a bed. Who put him in a bed?

 

Evan tried to open his eyes but the lids were far too heavy. He tried to move his legs; nothing. Arms, nothing. He couldn’t move his body. Every limb was too heavy, too exhausted.

 

It was at this moment that Evan felt something in his left hand. He couldn’t move his arm but he focussed all his energy into moving a finger.

 

“Evan?” his mother's voice called. It was her hand holding his. Evan’s hand tightened a little around her’s.

 

“Oh thank god! I’m so sorry baby,” his mother cooed.

 

Evan’s feeling began to return to his body. It didn’t hurt nearly as much as he thought it would. His eyes slowly fluttered open and he was met with a bright, white light. As his eyes adjusted to the brightness, he realised he was in a hospital room.

 

Evan was somewhat dazed as he could only remember parts of what had happened. He remembered getting punched in the face. He could remember the crippling pain and blue. Why could he remember blue?

 

He turned his head to his mum and it was clear she’d been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy and her cheeks were flushed. Dried tears stained her cheeks and her eyes held more unshed tears.

 

“Baby, baby. I’m here. Can you see me?” his mum questioned. Evan wondered why he wouldn’t be able to see her.

 

Evan nodded slightly, just enough to get the message across.

 

“Oh god. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,” She whispered. “I’m going to get a nurse. Will you be okay on your own for a few minutes?”

 

Evan nodded again and watched as she exited the room. He lay in silence, trying to remember how he got there. He must have blacked out. His memories were slowly returning. He remembered it was Chris and a bunch of others that hurt him. He remembered the pain and blood more vividly. But he still couldn’t place where the blue came from. He didn’t know what the attackers were wearing but everything stopped when blue arrived. All the pain stopped. He couldn’t remember from there.

 

Evan heard the scuffling of feet and it was at that moment he realised he’d closed his eyes. He made an effort to open them again and saw a nurse, doctor and his mum who returned to her seat next to Evan.

 

“Hello, Evan. I’m Bella. I’ll be the nurse taking care of you while you're here. And this is Dr Pine,” Bella introduced. Evan smiled and nodded.

 

“How are his vitals?” Dr Pine questioned.

 

“Pulse is eighty-seven bpm and blood pressure is one hundred and twelve over sixty-three,” the nurse read from the machine.

 

“That’s good. Evan, how are you feeling? Any pain?” the doctor questioned.

 

Evan shook his head. His could feel his limbs again by now but it was a dull, numb kind of feeling.

 

“Can you speak?” the doctor continued.

 

“I-” Evan began before a coughing fit erupted. The nurse grabbed the glass of water from the bedside table and held the straw up to his lips. Evan took a big sip, cleared his throat and tried again. “I feel numb,” Evan announced. His voice was a little croaky from not being used but it wasn’t painful to talk.

 

“That’s expected. You’ve been out for about forty-four hours. We’ve been giving you pain relief so you wouldn’t feel anything. Can you move your arms and legs?”

 

Evan attempted to move his legs and arms but all he could do was curl his toes and move his fingers.

 

“Okay. If you still can’t move in about an hour, we will have to run some tests.” The doctor turned to leave but Evan called him back.

 

“What h- happened?”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“What h- happened t- to me?” Evan stuttered out.

 

“I’ve informed your mother everything we know so I’ll let her explain it to you,” the doctor informed him before he turned to leave. The nurse quietly exited after the doctor, both returning to do whatever doctors and nurses do around hospitals. Take care of patients, inform worried parents.

 

“Mum?” Evan called, turning his head to look at his mother.

 

His mother began recounting what she knew. There were detailed Evan couldn’t remember. Apparently, the blue he had remembered belonged to policemen and paramedics. According to his mum, he’d been taken in Saturday afternoon and it was now early Monday afternoon. He’d been unconscious for almost two days.

 

“If they hadn’t brought you in when they did, you probably would have died. You had lost a lot of blood and your vitals were all over the place. You were in the ICU until late last night,” his mother explained.

 

_ Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.  _ His vision began to cloud over. It wasn’t tears though; he wasn’t crying. Black inched its way through his eyes until his head fell back onto the bed. He was conscious, he could think and hear everything but he couldn’t move.

 

He could hear his mum yelling his name and loud beeping made itself present. He heard as people shuffled into the room and he blacked out once again.

 

~~~~

 

Evan awoke again in a different room. His mum was still seated next to him but her eyes were closed so Evan guessed she was sleeping. Where was he? He was still in the hospital, that much was clear. But it was a different room to where he was previously. There was a consistent beeping coming from one of the machines next to him. Evan realised the beeping was in time with his heart.

 

He looked back to his mother and she had been crying some more. Evan felt bad. He wasn’t sure why; it wasn’t his choice to be in this situation, after all. Either way, he felt guilty for making his mother worry. Not to mention the work and classes she’d have missed to be with Evan all this time.

 

“Mum?” Evan called. His mum instantly sat up, looking directly at Evan.

 

“Oh, baby. How are you feeling?” she demanded, now once more holding his hand.

 

“Alright. What happened?”

 

“They aren’t sure. They think you might have had a seizure. Your heart rate soared and they had to rush you back into the ICU. Jared is waiting outside in the waiting area since he can’t come and visit you in here.”

 

“No. He can come in. He deserves to see I’m alright,” Evan argued. He knew Jared would be worried for Evan and he hated that. He hated having people worry about him.

 

“He can’t. Only immediate family can be in the ICU with patients.”

 

“Well, when can I leave then?”

 

“They will probably move you soon since you’re awake again. I’ll go get a doctor, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“What do you want me to tell Jared?”

 

“I- uh, tell him I’m fine and I’ll be out soon.”

 

She nodded and exited the room. A doctor and familiar nurse came in. If Evan remembered correctly, her name was Bella.

 

“Hello. I’m Bella. Do you remember me?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

The doctor nodded in the background and scribbled something in the folder at the end of the bed.

 

“Sweetheart, we’re going to get you ready for a procedure,” she announced in a calming voice

 

Evan’s eyes widened at that. His mother hadn’t mentioned anything about a procedure. What was going to happen to him?

 

“What procedure?” Evan questioned. “I feel fine.”

 

“And that’s good. The medication is doing its job. But you are still going in and out of consciousness. You are going to have a CT scan to see if there is any brain damage,” the nurse explained. “I’m going to ask you questions while we prepare you. Please answer with your voice so we know you’re still responsive. Okay, sweets?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“So, what year are you in at school?” the nurse questioned. Evan replied as the questions kept coming. He knew she was only asking to keep him awake and thinking but it felt like an interrogation.

 

~~~~

 

Evan was in a regular hospital room. His mum was still beside him holding his hand. The procedure had finished around twenty minutes ago and they were waiting for the results. He was wide awake and was only in acute pain.

 

Bella and the doctor that took the scan walked in with a few papers.

 

“Ms Hansen? Can we please speak outside?” the doctor questioned. Heidi nodded and looked at her son, smiling despite her obvious worry. She stood and walked out the door, the doctor closing the door behind them.

 

“Hello, Evan. How are you feeling after the scan?” Bella questioned.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“We’re beginning to taper off your pain relief medication so let us know if it becomes too much.”

 

“Okay.”

 

A few minutes later, Heidi walked back into the room and Bella left. Evan liked Bella; she was really nice.

 

“What were the results?” Evan questioned as his mum sat on the edge of the bed instead of her chair.

 

“No brain damage, thankfully,” his mum announced, shooting a small smile to Evan. “They were asking if you took any medications that you’ve recently stopped,” his mother continued.

 

Evan suddenly realised why his mum wasn’t happy with the results and his heart began racing. Luckily, he wasn’t hooked up to any machines this time so his speeding heart could remain a secret.

 

“Have you?” she questioned, though Evan got the sense she already knew the answer.

 

“I haven’t needed them,” Evan mumbled. It was a massive lie but he didn’t want to waste the drugs. He needed them for when he overdosed. All he was waiting on now is another tub so he would definitely have enough. His mum had ordered another bottle and they should have been ready by now.

 

“Evan, I know,” his mum informed. She knew. She knew Evan wasn’t taking his medication. But did she know why? “Jared found them hidden in your suitcase, “she continued. “Why haven’t you been having them?”

 

“I told you. I haven’t needed them,” he said again, a little louder. He knew it didn’t sound believable. It was the start of college and he was having more panic attacks than ever before; though that could be a result of not having the drugs.

 

“Jared told me about the blade,” his mother announced. She was crying at this point and looking at her hands in her lap. “How you almost self-harmed. That Connor was the only reason you didn’t. He told me about the misleading note you left before your appointment. He told me about Chris. And Jake. And everything they did to you,” his mother explained, tears sliding down her cheeks.

 

“I-” Evan began but his mother cut in.

 

“I’m sorry, Evan. I’m sorry for not noticing these things. I try to be a good mum but all I do is fail you. I’m so sorry you’ve had all these things happen to you,” his mother was full on balling her eyes out at this point.

 

Evan felt absolutely terrible. No words could describe how crappy he felt.

 

“You kept the pills to overdose, didn’t you?” she guessed. She looked up at to Evan and he looked away, not able to look her in the eye at that moment. He didn’t reply which was as good as a ‘yes’ answer. “And when you broke your arm, was that an attempt?” she asked next.

 

Evan didn’t reply which was also a replacement ‘yes’.

 

“I’m sorry. Evan, I’m so so sorry. I should have noticed. I should have seen how much you’ve been hurting.”

 

“I didn’t tell you. You had no way of knowing,” Evan comforted. He wasn’t sure how to make his mum feel better. After all, it’s difficult to lighten someone’s mood when yours is the lowest of low.

 

“You shouldn’t have had to. I should have known. I should have read the signs. I’m your mother, I’m supposed to notice these things,” his mother argued, still crying.

 

Evan felt tears slide down his face and the two sat there crying, words no longer needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the delay in updates. I've been swamped with three reports for school, all due this coming week and then next week I have end-of-semester exams >_<
> 
> Hope you enjoy it! I'll try and upload again soon, I just have to edit the next chapter! :D


	13. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out I'm now in editing mode so here's another chapter. I'll possibly post yet another one tonight but I should probably write my reports instead of writing Jared being a sweetheart :D

Evan woke up and found himself still in a hospital bed. Yesterday he had been so confused with everything he never noticed the extent of his injuries. His arms were covered in bruises and scarring. Same with his legs. His stomach had a particularly nasty bruise and a larger cut that had been stitched together, currently covered by a large bandage.

 

He looked around the room and his eyes landed on his sleeping mother. She was still here, caring for Evan. She would have missed so many classes and shifts at work.

 

Heidi stirred to wakefulness and she smiled at Evan. He smiled back.

 

“How are you feeling this morning?” she questioned, sitting up properly in her chair.

 

“Pretty good. Do you think they will let Jared see me today?”

 

“I think so. I’ll give him a call for you. One sec,” she announced, standing and exiting the room to stand in the hallway and call Jared.

 

She returned five minutes later with the news that Jared would make his way to the hospital as soon as possible.

 

~~~~

 

“Hi.” Evan greeted as Jared appeared in the doorway.

 

“Hey, Ev!” He replied, sitting in the chair on the other side of the bed to Heidi. “Hi, Ms Hansen.”

 

“Hi, Jared. I'll go get lunch in the cafe. Give you boys some privacy.” Evan watched as his mum left, closing the door behind her.

 

“Can I hug you?” Jared asked, seemingly out of the blue.

 

“Uh, sure?” Even replied. It wasn't something he ever expected. Jared wasn't a very touchy-feely person so the request was quite out of character.

 

Jared sprang from his seat and engulfed him in a hug. Evan, unsure what to do with his arms, tentatively wrapped them around his friend. Friend, not family friend. They were friends, Evan was sure. Why else would Jared be here visiting Evan when he was in college and could be doing literally anything else with his time?

 

“I'm sorry,” Jared said softly, looking up and resting his head on Evan’s chest. The boy pulled back a few seconds later and sat at the end of the bed.

 

“What for?” Evan questioned.  _ Why is Jared apologising? He hasn't done anything, has he? _

 

“For letting you walk home alone. I knew Chris was still in town and I didn't think about it. I should have stopped you or went with you or-” Jared started rambling, something he rarely did.

 

“Jared,” Evan cut in, also something rarely done. “It wasn't your fault.” Evan surprised himself at the lack of stuttering in his sentence. It wasn’t like he was nervous but they had theoretically swapped roles; Jared being anxious and Evan comforting him instead of the other way around.

 

“But-”

 

“No buts. Really, it wasn’t,” Evan continued. He knew he was right. Nothing that happened to him was Jared’s fault.

 

“But if I didn't make you tell me,” Jared argued before Evan cut him short once again.

 

“Then I would still be getting beaten up every day by them. I'd still have to do their school work and I’d still be absolutely terrified of both of them,” Evan said, finishing his sentence for him. What Evan had said seemed to shut Jared up as he didn't continue to argue.

 

“Connor was going to come visit but he wasn't sure if he would be welcome,” Jared said, changing the topic.

 

“Why wouldn't he?”

 

“Didn't say. Want me to tell him something for you?”

 

~~~~

 

Evan was discharged from the hospital later that day. He was given pain meds to take every six to eight hours, tapering off after a two days.

 

He felt fine but Evan assumed that was just because he’d been given pain relief forty minutes prior.

 

“Are you sure you don't need me to stay here?” his mother asked for the fifth time.

 

“Yes. I'll be fine. I've got Jared,” Evan argued. His mother stepped onto the train after giving one, final hug and waved goodbye, Evan turning to walk back to the dorm rooms. Evan was slightly nervous of running into Chris and/or his group again but Heidi assured him they were all in custody awaiting trial for what they did.

 

“Hey, Hansen,” Connor greeted as Evan walked through the door and began to unpack his small bag of clothes and belongings that his mum had brought to the hospital.

 

“Hi. Jared said you were going to visit but didn't think you would be welcome. Why wouldn't you?” Evan questioned, getting straight to the point. It was consuming most of his thoughts that day. Why didn't Connor think he was welcome at the hospital to visit Evan?

 

“I don't know. I wasn't really sure if we were, or are friends.” Connor mumbled, staring at the phone held in his hands.

 

“I think of you as a friend. Um, I mean o- only i- if you w- want t- to be fr- friends,” Evan stuttered out. Connor hadn't said he wanted to be friends and Evan was getting in over his head.

 

“Sure. I could use a friend,” he said instead of snapping he was a loner, as he seemed to want everyone thinking. He didn't sound extremely happy but his voice definitely wasn't melancholy. And looking at him, Evan could swear he saw a small smile on the boys face.

 

~~~~

 

Evan was lying on his bed, contemplating dinner. He wasn’t very hungry but he knew he should eat. A few short moments later, Evan was standing and opening the door after hearing a knock.

 

“Hi,” Evan said, smiling as he saw who was at the door.

 

“Hey, dude,” Jared replied. “Can I come in?”

 

“Sure.” They moved to sit crossed legged on Evan’s bed, face to face. “Did you want something?” Evan coaxed.

 

“Oh, uh, your mum,” Jared began. He looked unsure. Unsure of what, Evan didn’t know but he guessed he would find out soon enough.

 

“What about my mum?”

 

“She, uh, she asked me to make sure you take your pills,” Jared spoke quickly as if trying to get the conversation over and done with.

 

“Oh, I, uh, I already took them,” Evan lied. He still didn’t want to take his pills and he would skip any chance he got. Though he assumed those chances would be uncommon now that Jared had to watch him take them.

 

“Okay,” Jared said slowly, sceptical of Evan’s reply.

 

“She also wanted me to look after the bottle. So you couldn’t- so you,” Jared tried to say what was on both their minds but he couldn’t.

 

“So I couldn’t try to kill myself?” Evan offered, full of confidence and slight annoyance.

 

“Where is it?” Jared moved on. Evan was having none of it and, quite sadistically, he was enjoying himself. He was oddly enjoying watching his friends reaction to him talking about suicide. Or more specifically, him committing suicide.

 

“You know,” Evan began, an evil grin on his face. “If I really wanted to, do you think keeping the pills from me would stop me? There are lots of ways to die, Jared. Keeping the pills only limits one option. One of many, many choices.”

 

Evan was completely unsure what came over him. Why was he being horrible to Jared? Maybe his subconscious wanted it. Maybe, inside, he believed if Jared hating him, he wouldn’t stop Evan from offing himself, which he still fully intended to do.

 

“Please, don’t say that,” Jared asked quietly.

 

“Well, it’s true. Pills are one of the many options. I could, for example, a jump of a building taller than the stupid tree that didn’t do the job. Or I could stab myself. Or-”

 

“Evan, please. Please don’t say that,” Jared tried again. Evan looked down at his friend and noticed tears streaming down his cheeks. Evan instantly snapped out of whatever cruel, horrid mindset he was in and felt incredibly guilty. He’d done that to Jared. He made Jared cry, something the boy rarely ever did, especially in front of people. Jared liked to appear tough and unfazed by everything but Evan knew he actually cared a lot.

 

“I’m sorry,” Evan said. He felt truly awful and ‘sorry’ didn’t nearly cover what he’d done.

 

“Please. Please, don’t do that,” Jared pleaded. Evan’s heart melted at the sight of his friend begging him not to kill himself.

 

“I won’t,” Evan promised. And the promise didn’t feel like a lie. When he lied, he usually felt guilt straight after but there was no emotion present other than pure warmth. The warmth of a friend caring so much. “Hey, hey. Look at me,” Evan requested.

 

Jared lifted his head slightly and connected eyes with Evan. Evan quickly looked away and stared at his arms. He grabbed the loose cuff of his sleeve and pulled it back, revealing an unscarred arm. Well, his arms were scarred and bruised but the cuts weren’t from himself. The placement of the cuts told that much. Evan repeated this on the other arm and laid them out for Jared to look.

 

“Thank you,” Jared said softly.

 

Jared ran his thumb over the cuts that were beginning to heal. Evan wincing slightly as one of the scabs tugged a little under Jared’s touch.

 

“I lied,” Evan mumbled. He felt guilty about lying and wanted to make it right. He wanted to make it better. Make him better. He needed help and he knew it.

 

“No. No. You promised you wouldn’t,” Jared began rambling.

 

“No, Jared no. I’m not going to. I meant I lied about the pills. I haven’t taken them yet. To be honest, I wasn’t planning to take them at all,” Evan explained shyly, unsure how the boy would react to being lied to.

 

“Okay. Thanks for telling me now, I guess.” Jared said. He didn’t seem angry or upset; just relieved and thankful that Evan came clean.

 

Evan dug out his suitcase from under his bed and located the pill bottle from within.

 

“Here,” Evan said, handing the bottle to Jared.

 

“Its two in the morning, one at night, right?” Jared asked in conformation, popping open the pill container.

 

“Yes,” Evan said, holding out his hand. Jared placed a pill into Evan’s outstretched hand and gave him the glass of water off the table next to Evan’s bed.

 

“That’s Connor’s,” Evan announced, pushing the water away and back onto the table.

 

Evan climbed off the bed and over to his backpack, pulling out a bottle half full of water. Evan moved to sit back on the bed and over-exaggerated his motions of taking the pill. Opening his mouth wide and popping the pill in, taking a large gulp of water, swallowing and opening his mouth once again to show Jared that the pill was gone.

 

“Okay. You didn’t have to do that, I’d take your word for it seeing as I saw you put the pill in your mouth and saw you swallow,” Jared joked, smiling now that he knew Evan had taken his medication. “Night, Ev. I’ll be back in the morning.”

 

Evan watched as the boy exited the room, Evan’s pills in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love hearing what you have to say! It honestly makes me so happy to read all your wonderful comments!


	14. Arguments And Pizza

Evan was getting ready for his first day back at school when a letter was pushed under the door. Evan placed his textbook back onto the bed and marched over to the letter. Picking it up and flipping it over, the note read ‘ _ Dear Block C, Room 309 Students’ _ .

 

Evan flipped the note back over and opened it.

 

_ Dear students, _

 

_ Due to popular request, we are adding curtains to each dorm room. Starting Thursday, September 10th, staff will come around and add curtains to the rooms. This will take place over the following week. _

 

_ If you have any questions, speak to or email office staff. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

_ Whitehall College Staff _

 

Evan was excited by the news. Not only would they get curtains, but they don’t even have to go out and buy them. Evan placed the letter back in the envelope and left it on Connor’s pillow.

 

Evan finished packing his backpack and exited the room, forgetting about his and Jared’s agreement.

 

~~~~

 

Evan was in his class when his phone buzzed from his pocket. He pulled it out to reveal a text from Jared.

 

Jared - 7:23am: Hey, Ev. Where are you? I'm outside your room with your pills.

 

Evan - 7:25am: Sorry, Jare. I had a class to go to. I’ll come to your room at 8. Is that ok?

 

Jared - 7:26am: No problem. See you then. Don't forget.

 

Evan put his phone away and focused back onto the lecture he was sat in.

 

As the teacher droned on, Evan tried to remain focused but it was proving difficult. His phone buzzed again a few minutes after his messages with Jared.

 

Heidi (Mum) - 7:31am: Hi, honey. How are you feeling today? After I found out what happened, I booked another therapy appointment for you. It's tomorrow at 11 am.

 

Evan - 7:32 am: I'm feeling better. Jared talked to me about how you're making him make sure I take my pills. You didn't have to do that. And I can't make the appointment tomorrow; I've got classes.

 

Heidi (Mum) - 7:35 am: I'm only doing what I think is best for you because I'm your mother. I can't trust you to take your pills on your own so I had to ask Jared. And the appointment time was non-negotiable.

 

Evan - 7:37 am: I've got to go mum. I'm in a lecture at the moment.

 

Heidi (Mum) - 7:38am: Ok, honey. I'll call you later.

 

Evan put his phone away again and the teacher was explaining the task to be done for the next lesson.

 

~~~~

 

Evan was seated at breakfast. He’d just taken his pills and Jared was walking over to the table with his breakfast.

 

“Did you wanna do something on the weekend?” Jared questioned, taking a seat across from Evan.

 

“What did you have in mind?” Evan replied.

 

“Well, I’ve been craving a bit of mini golf lately. What do you say?”

 

“Sure. Is anyone else coming with us?”

 

“I don't know. Amelia and Jake are spending the day together but you can invite some people if you want.”

 

“Could I maybe invite Connor? We're kinda friends now,” Evan questioned, unsure how the boy would react to Evan’s new friendship. It was with Connor after all. And as far as Evan knew, the two hated each other despite getting along with Evan there; though that could just be because of Evan playing Switzerland.

 

“I guess that's cool. Why are you friends with that psycho?” Jared questioned, saying friends as if it were a disgusting word.

 

“Cause he’s my roommate and we actually get along quite well. Most of the time anyway,” Evan mumbled the second half so Jared couldn't hear. Most of the time he and Connor got along just fine but if Connor was in a mood, Evan usually only made it worse.

 

“Just be careful around him. You know what he did at the start of the year and I don't want him doing it to you too,” Jared explained, referring to the student suicide at the start of the year.

 

“Are you serious Jared?! Connor didn’t kill Luke. He was suicidal and Connor couldn't change that. He had nothing to do with it. Honestly, a- after all we've b- been through these t- two weeks, I can't b- believe you d- don't un- understand how mental illness w- works. Like, I understand y- you don't have a- any but s- still, I thought y- you at least p- partly understood how I and s- so many o- others feel,” Evan vented, stuttering from anger rather than nerves. He was upset and angry at Jared for still believing Connor killed his roommate. It wasn't his fault and Connor didn't need people blaming him for what he had no control over.

 

Evan stood and began to walk away. He was about two meters away when he bumped into someone. Looking up, Evan realized Connor had overheard the entire conversation. Evan maneuvered around the boy and ran back to his room.

 

He began to hyperventilate. His thoughts were running rampant at full force. For some odd reason, he was scared of how Connor could react to the situation. Luckily, the boy had yet to go back to the room so Evan was left alone to have his panic attack.

 

~~~~

 

Evan had fallen asleep afterwards; panic attacks were quite tiring and Evan’s sleep had been restless the past few nights.

 

Evan awoke to a few shakes of his shoulder. In his daze, he said, “a few more minutes, Mum.”

 

“I'm not your mum,” said the voice belonging to the person shaking him. Evan rolled over and met eyes with Connor.

 

“You're not mum,” Evan mumbled, still very much asleep.

 

“No, I'm not. Come on, Evan. Sit up,” Connor requested kindly, slowly helping Evan into a seated position. “Are you okay?” he questioned. He sounded so sincere and comforting. Like Evan’s mum. Warm and kind; no hint of aggression.

 

“I guess,” Evan replied, his thoughts clearing now he was waking up.

 

“Did you have a panic attack?” Connor’s hands were resting on Evan’s shoulders; keeping his sitting up and also grounding him.

 

“I, I think so.”

 

“Hey, you're okay,” Connor comforted, moving to sit next to Evan. Tears began to well up in Evan’s eyes. Everything was just too much. School was too much. Jared was too much. His anxiety was too much. Everything was too much.

 

Evan allowed himself to be pulled into a hug by Connor. He clung to Connor as if the boy was his lifeline. And in many ways, the boy was becoming his lifeline. Evan didn't have many reasons to live but Connor was becoming one of them; one of the main ones.

 

Evan cried into Connor’s shirt until he was interrupted by a knock at the door. Connor, using his arms to lightly push Evan off him, stood and opened the door.

 

“Hey, Kleinman,” Connor greeted sarcastically. All the warmth and love that Evan had found if Connor’s voice was gone instantly and he was back to his usual, distasteful self.

 

“I don’t know what you're doing to Evan to make him like this but I want it to stop,” Jared started quickly and aggressively, clearly not realising Evan was in the room.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Evan and I are friends cause we get each other and I’m not going around calling him a family friend all the time. You realise how crappy that makes him feel, right?” Connor argued back, clearly also forgetting Evan was present for the conversation.

 

“Just stop whatever you’re doing to him. I don’t want him being your friend ‘cause you kill people. You killed Luke and I don’t want you killing him!”

 

Evan was sitting on his bed, trying desperately not to get involved. He knew the two boys could handle themselves and didn’t need his help. Another reason to not involve himself is that he dreaded picking sides. Realistically, he’d probably side with Jared since they have been friends since preschool but he didn’t really like the idea of Connor being mad at him. After all, they had grown close over the past week.

 

Evan stood and walked over into view of both the boys, seemingly removing them from their trance.

 

“Evan,” Jared said, acknowledging the fact that Evan had heard everything.

 

“First of all, Jared. Connor had nothing to do with Luke killing himself. We already talked about this. Secondly, Connor. I don’t like you arguing with Jared. You two are both my friends and you don’t have to like each other but you don’t have to hate each other either,” Evan declared, finally having enough of their little feuds.

 

“I, I’m sorry,” Connor started. Evan was looking at the ground, unable to look either of them in the eyes through his anger.

 

“I’m not the one you should be apologising to.” Evan spat out through gritted teeth. Anger was not a common emotion for Evan which was lucky because he possessed it in the most unhealthy ways.

 

“Sorry, Jared,” Connor said.

 

“Me too. Start again?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Evan looked up, smiling at the two boys for solving their silly dispute. Evan had no idea why they weren’t friends as they liked most of the same stuff and already had a mutual friend.

 

“Hi. I’m Jared; Jared Kleinman,” Jared joked, holding his hand out as if formally introducing himself for the first time.

 

Connor played along. “Nice to meet you, Jared. I’m Connor Murphy. Hopefully, we can be friends since we share a mutual Evan.”

 

“That sounds weird. ‘We share a mutual Evan,’” Jared replied, smiling and laughing a little. Connor was smiling too.

 

“I agree. I am my own person, you know?” Evan added. “Jared, wanna come in so we aren’t standing in the doorway?”

 

~~~~

 

A few hours later, the three boys were debating what to have for lunch. Jared and Connor had gotten along really well and Evan would even go as far as to say they were friends; if not, they were at least close acquaintances.

 

“Why don’t I run down and get a pizza from the place down the road?” Connor offered.

 

The other two agreed so Jared called and ordered, Connor leaving shortly after.

 

“Ev?” Jared began, a few minutes after Connor left.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I know we’ve been together the past few hours but before that, you were on your own for about an hour after we argued,” Jared began.

 

“And?”

 

“Can I see your arms?”

 

“Ugh, really? I haven’t done anything. How could I anyway? Connor took my blade away.”

 

“You’re getting defensive,” Jared observed, seeming to grow more worried by the second.

 

“I’m not. I’m just sick of you assuming that I can’t take care of myself.”

 

“Because you can’t. You would have cut yourself if Connor didn’t stop you. You tried to- you jumped out of a tree and you had plans to try again. Your mum isn’t here and she’s asked me to make sure you’re safe,” Jared argued.

 

“My mum didn’t ask you to check my arms every five minutes.”

 

“Evan, just, please show me your arms.”

 

“I- I think you should leave,” Evan stumbled out. Evan didn’t have self-inflicted wounds on his arms but he was sick of Jared treating him like a baby that couldn’t do anything for himself.

 

“What?”

 

“I want you to leave,” Evan said, more confidently this time.

 

“Fine, but I will see your arms, Evan. I’ll be back tonight with your meds.”

 

Jared stood and stormed out the room.

 

~~~~

 

Evan was seated on the floor, cross-legged and back to his bed. If he hadn’t been sitting in perfect silence, he wouldn’t have been able to listen in to the conversation outside the door. He, of course, felt guilty for eavesdropping but he was the topic of the conversations so it was kind of justified.

 

“Evan kicked me out. I was just waiting here to ask you something,” Jared explained.

 

“Why’d he kick you out?” Connor’s voice through the door was slightly muffled but Evan could still understand what was being said.

 

“I asked to see his arms. To, you know, make sure he hasn’t done anything,” Jared began. There was a slight pause but Evan heard nothing said by Connor. “Anyway, he got all defensive and wouldn’t show me. Then he kicked me out. Since it’s your room and he can’t really kick you out of it, I was wondering if you could try to check his arms and report back?”

 

Evan was shocked, to say the least. Connor obviously knew Evan tried to self-harm but he never thought Jared would ask him to help make sure he never did.

 

Evan listened in for a reply but never heard anything. He assumed Connor replied with a silent head nod, shake or a shrug of the shoulders. Evan was hoping for the second option. He didn’t need Connor babying him too.

 

Connor opened the door smiling, holding the pizza. He faked confusion as to where Jared went which, for Evan, was quite entertaining. The boy already knew exactly what happened while he wasn’t there and his attempt at acting confused was poorly done. Let's just say it’s unlikely Connor was at college for acting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please leave some lovely comments! I've had a very long week (which is why I haven't posted) and I could really do with some support since I have none in my real life. Anyway, I'll stop being pathetic now, I hope you're all doing well! Stay safe! And thank you for all your comments so far <3


	15. Mother & Son

Connor sat across from Evan, leaning against his own bed while Evan did his. The pizza was placed in the middle of them as if it were a peace offering.

 

“So,” Connor began, seeming unsure how to continue. Evan decided to help out.

 

“I heard what you and Jared talked about,” Evan said, emotionless on the outside but filled with worry and anger internally.

 

Connor looked up, blank-faced. His eyes were slightly wider than usual and his mouth hung open a little.

 

Connor composed himself and began to speak. “Didn't think you were the eavesdropping type, Hansen. So if you overheard, you know what I want.”

 

“I’m just sick of Jared treating me like a baby who can’t take care of himself. You know he said that? He said I couldn’t take care of myself.”

 

“But I’m not Jared. I know what it’s like to have a mental illness; to have thoughts like... like that. I’ve been through what you’re going through. Hell, I’m still going through it.” Connor explained, comfortingly. Just like he sounded before Jared came over those few hours ago.

 

Connor pushed the pizza aside and moved forward a little. He was kneeling in front of Evan and, using his hand, lightly grabbed Evan’s chin and pushed it upwards. He tilted his head away from Connor, slightly uncomfortable at the proximity and Connor complied, letting go.

 

“Sorry,” Connor mumbled, now sitting cross-legged in front of Evan but not from the other side of the room.

 

Evan felt his left arm be lifted softly and the sleeve slid up his arm towards his elbow. He did nothing to stop it; he couldn't even be bothered to fight it.

 

Connor checked his other arm and, once done, slid backwards so he was leaned against his bed.

 

“Pizza?” Connor offered, changing the subject and opening the box to grabbing a slice for himself.

 

Evan shook his head, having lost his appetite.

 

“You should eat something.” It was true. Evan had missed most of his breakfast, having marched off after a few minutes. However, even with a lack of breakfast, he wasn't hungry. Maybe he just didn't want to eat. He wasn't sure but either way, he would only eat lunch if the food was forced down his throat, and that was unlikely.

 

“I'm not hungry. I'm going out,” Evan announced. With that, he stood and walked out, leaving Connor to devour an entire pizza on his own.

 

~~~~

 

Evan was seated in the courtyard. It was about an hour after he left Connor in their room. Evan had ended up giving in to his grumbling stomach and got some lunch.

 

He was reading a book on his phone, zoning out often and thinking of random thoughts that popped into his head. He just couldn’t focus on his book; his mind was too full.

 

He read until the sun began to set and it started to cool. Evan looked up into the dimming sky and saw the faint outlines of stars, a few brighter ones completely visible. It was calm, quiet. Most people were indoors by this time but Evan was enjoying the peace and serenity that was dusk.

 

Evan walked back to his room, stopping and buying a muffin for dinner on the way.

 

Connor wasn't there when he entered the room. He took a seat on his bed and put the muffin aside for later. Evan chose to use the peace and quiet of the room to get some work done, eating sections of muffin periodically.

 

Connor walked in around eight o’clock and moved quickly to his bed, grabbing the laptop out of his bag and not even acknowledging Evan.

 

“Uh, hello,” Evan greeted shyly, sensing the irritation on the other boy.

 

“Hey, Hansen,” Connor replied, voice dull. It was clear conversation was unwelcome so Evan remained silent and moved onto a new task, having just finished the one he was working on.

 

~~~~

 

When Evan woke up on Thursday morning, Connor was fast asleep. If it wasn't for the slow rise and fall of his chest, Evan would have said the older boy was dead.

 

Evan decided to take a shower since he hadn't had one in a few days. He'd been too focused on other things in hospital and yesterday that showering completely slipped his mind. He probably stunk an awful lot. Multiple days was far too long to go without a shower; especially for a young, college-aged boy with anxiety.

 

Evan gathered his belongings and stood under the warm spray. The scratches and cuts on his arms were almost fully healed and his bruises were slowly changing back to his pale skin tone.

 

After showering, he walked back to his room to see one Jared Kleinman standing outside.

 

“Hey, Ev. Sorry about yesterday. I got sidetracked and forgot to come to give you your pills. You can just have two this morning,” Jared greeted. He was standing next to Evan and Connor’s door.

 

Evan, still not in the mood to deal with Jared and his constant mothering, completely ignored him and walked straight into the room, closing the door behind him.

 

There was a knock a few seconds after the door was closed. “Really, Evan? I said I was sorry. Let me in. You need to take your pills,” Jared pleased, still knocking on the door.

 

Evan wasn’t going to let Jared into the room. The boy, in Evan’s mind, had to learn not to treat him like a baby. He knew this probably wasn’t the best way to go about it but what else could he do?

 

~~~~

 

It was around lunchtime and Evan was seated in his room. Jared had given up after about half an hour and Evan went to his class, as usual, arriving four minutes late.

 

Connor was seated on his bed when he got back. Evan took a seat on his own and opened up his laptop, both students minding their own business.

 

“Hansen?” questioned Connor, getting to other’s attention.

 

“Y- yes?” Evan replied. They had been sitting in perfect silence and Evan thought Connor’s call for attention was a sign he’d done something wrong. He had no idea what but he was scared to find out.

 

“I, uh, there’s a musical showing nearby and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?” Connor asked, looking at his hands that were fiddling with the strings of his hoodie.

 

“You’re in- inviting m- me? W- why?” Evan stuttered out in shock. Yes, they were friends. Yes, they were becoming quite close. But no, Evan never expected this.

 

“Only if you want. I’m not gonna pressure you into anything,” Connor said, remaining calm. This was more of a shock to Evan than the invite was. The other was usually terrible at keeping calm and after Evan spoke, he expected the reply to be more like ‘You know what? Forget it.’

 

“I- I’d like that,” Evan said, accepting the offer.

 

“Cool. It’s next month. It’s October 11th, a Sunday. We would have to travel on Friday afternoon or Saturday morning and travel back Monday morning; up to you.” Connor explained.

 

“O- okay. I don’t, I don’t mind. What are we seeing?”

 

“It’s called ‘Be More Chill’. I read the book a couple of weeks ago and then found out a musical version of it is showing.”

 

“That’s cool.”

 

~~~~

 

Evan was nervous, to say the least. He had no idea why he’d agreed to spend an entire weekend with Connor Murphy. He was still slightly terrified of the boy and so much bad could happen over an entire weekend.

 

Though, he did have an entire month until this weekend away happened. Maybe he could make up some excuse not to go.

 

“You did what?!” Jared shouted at the news. They were seated in Jared’s bedroom who still didn’t have a new roommate. Apparently, they were to arrive in the next could days but an exact date hadn’t been set.

 

“I accepted Connor’s invite to see a musical in New Jersey and also to spend the entire weekend with him,” Evan summaried to Jared for what felt like the fiftieth time.

 

“Why though? I know your friends but you have to realise he isn’t stable,” Jared argued, clearly disapproving of Evan’s plans. Evan was confused why he still disliked Connor so much. They seemed to get along with Evan present to keep the peace. And what was a weekend away when they shared a dorm room anyway?

 

“‘Cause he’s my friend. You still think he would hurt me, don’t you?” Jared stayed silent, ducking his head in what was probably shame. “Unbelievable. I honestly can’t believe this. I want my pills, Jared. I want you to hand them over to me so I can look after myself.”

 

Jared lifted his head to look directly into the other’s eyes. “Well I want to see your arms and make sure you're safe but you aren’t doing that so why should I give you what you want?”

 

“Because they’re my pills. And my arms. I don’t have to do what you tell me and I’m absolutely sick of you treating me like a baby. I’m an adult. I can take care of myself.”

 

“I think Chris says otherwise,” Jared mumbled, not expecting it to be heard.

 

“What?” Evan questioned, anger slowly taking control of him and his emotions.

 

“I think Chris says otherwise. He beat the living daylights out of you Evan! More than once, too!” The two boys were having an intense staring contest unintentionally and Jared appeared to have unshed tears in his eyes. Jared’s voice was starting to rise and he was now standing across from Evan who had also gotten up off the floor.

 

“Give me my pills,” Evan ordered.

 

“No.”

 

“Jared. Give me my pills. I’ll tell faculty you stole them if I have to.”

 

“Why do you want them so badly? If you can give me a good reason for you to look after your own medication, I’ll give you the bottle.” Jared reasoned, waiting for a response.

 

“I don’t care that much if you have my pills. But while you have them, you’re treating me like a toddler and I hate it. Ever since I was diagnosed, mum was constantly hovering over me. Making sure I was okay. She’s backed off now but only because she’s had to. You’re my friend, Jared; not my mum. I hate you acting like my mother and hovering over me. Watching my every move. Making sure I don’t do anything even though I don’t plan to,” Evan vented, giving in to hiding the truth. He just needed Jared to understand how he felt and how Connor made him feel. How did Connor make him feel? Comfortable? Calm? Connor made him feel safe, most of all. Connor understood him. He understood what he was going through more than Jared ever could.

 

“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t realise I was doing that,” Jared apologised. Evan was sceptical but ended up deciding the other boy was genuinely sorry for how he’d acted.

 

“So, can I have my pills back or not?” Evan reminded, trying to keep on topic.

 

“I’d prefer to keep them, if that’s okay? I mean this as a friend, a best friend. I love you, and I don’t want anything bad to happen. I know you say that you won’t but you’ve scared me in the past. Like when you broke your arm, or when you almost self-harmed. When you left that note for Connor and didn’t answer my calls. I was scared. I was scared I’d lose you forever.” Jared shared his side of the story. Now that everything was out in the open for both boys, maybe they could find a compromise.

 

“How about this; you keep the pills and continue to give them to me as my mum instructed. But you stop asking to see my arms. The pills keep my anxiety down so it’s not like I’ll try anything,” Evan offered as a meet in the middle situation.

 

“Sounds good to me,” Jared said, looking up with a soft smile on his face.


	16. What Happened On Friday?

Evan stayed in Jared’s room until around dinner time. Even then, the two friends didn't separate. They went to one of the smaller cafes on campus, gathered dinner and sat out in the courtyard. The temperature was cool but not freezing. And the two would rather spend dinner eating out in the slight chill than inside a warm but way too crowded cafe.

 

They didn't speak of the agreement again as it was a semi-touchy subject for Evan. They were about to say ‘goodnight’, standing outside Evan’s door, when Jared remembered.

 

“Oh, Ev, Pills. I'll be right back,” Jared explained, quickly turning back to the staircase as the elevator was temporarily unavailable.

 

Evan waited patiently and when Jared returned, was handed his medication. Evan placed the pill in his mouth and took a sip of the coke he'd bought with his dinner.

 

“Well, night Ev,” Jared said, waving as he walked off.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Evan entered his room and Connor was seated on his bed, staring intensely at the ceiling. His laptop was rested on his lap which made Evan guess he was trying to think of what to write.

 

“Hello, Connor.”

 

“Hmm?” Connor said, his stare remaining on the roof.

 

“I was just saying hello. You seem focused on something,” Evan observed.

 

“I guess,” Connor said, swinging himself into a seated position, legs hanging off the edge of the bed. “How was your afternoon?”

 

“Pretty good. I hung out with Jared the entire time. How about you?”

 

“I've been writing. It's school work but not due for ages. I just really wanted to write and now I've done, like, a third of it. I don’t know; writing helps me chill and I guess a lot has happened lately,” Connor explained, closing his laptop and placing it on the bed next to him.

 

“Cool. What’s the task?”

 

“Well we got given like, two fucking pages explaining everything in detail but basically, we have to write a script. It's up to us what for; movie, play, etcetera.”

 

“That’s cool,” Evan wanted to ask what script type he chose and many other questions about his story but knew it was unlikely. Connor wasn't one to share and Evan believed he was lucky to get that much out of him. Maybe one day they would be close enough for Connor to share more about himself; he seemed like an intricate person with more about him than meets the eye.

 

~~~~

 

Even woke up on Saturday morning with a massive headache. He could hardly remember the events of the previous afternoon and was highly confused by not waking up in his bed. Upon looking around, Evan realised he had no idea where he was. What had happened on Friday? He remembered waking up and leaving for class. Learning a little more about Connor on Thursday evening.

 

They both spent the rest of the evening in their room, talking about school, movies and everything in between. They were, of course, working on school work but more often than not, they had found themselves engaged in a light-hearted conversation as a form of procrastination.

 

Back to where Evan was now. He looked around a little more and it looked similar to an alleyway. How'd he end up in an alleyway? What on Earth was going on?

 

Evan tried to sit up but his headache grew tenfold. His hand swung up to catch his head that felt as if it would topple off his shoulders.

 

He used his other arm and legs to shuffle backwards so he was rested against the wall. The bright sunlight that had been coming from the end of the alleyway was blocked. Something moving towards him. Someone? Objects couldn't move so it had to be someone. Considering Evan’s previous few weeks, his first thought was that it was that the figure was Chris and that he should hide away and make himself as small as possible; something he was becoming reasonably good at.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” someone spoke. They were hovering over him which made Evan even more scared. He began to shake.

 

The person squatted down to his level and grabbed his shoulders, causing Evan to flinch and shake more.

 

“Hey, hey. You're okay. I got you,” the voice spoke. Evan didn't recognise it but it sounded calm and peaceful. Soothing and comforting like a hot chocolate and warm blanket in mid-Winter.

 

Evan’s shaking began to decrease as he felt himself slip away once again.

 

“Come on. Stay with me. I'm going to get you some help,” the person holding Evan began to shake him. Their attempts were futile as Evan slipped into an unconscious state.

 

~~~~

 

“Hello? Hello, can you hear me?” a voice spoke. Evan believed it to be the same voice from before. He’d only ever saw a figure as the sun was behind them when they spoke. However, Evan wasn’t where he was before. There was no sun, no light. Where’s the light?! The room was dark with a small strip of light coming from under the door and Evan couldn’t move; couldn’t tell his limbs to do anything.

 

“Wha-” Evan began, coughing to clear his throat then continue. “What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you?” Evan was panicked and his voice showed it. He inwardly cringed at how desperate for answers he sounded but, in truth, he was desperate for answers.

 

“You’re safe. I found you in an alleyway this morning but you passed out. I called an ambulance to come to get you. You’re in a hospital at the moment and you don’t know me. I was walking to work and found you,” the person explained.

 

“Why can’t I see?”

 

“They won’t tell me anything because I’m not family. I’m going to go tell them you’re awake and they can fill you in with what they know. Do you want me to call anyone and tell them where you are?” they questioned.

 

Evan gave them Jared’s phone number, not wanting to worry his mother anymore; she’d been through enough.

 

“Hello, Evan. How are you feeling?” another voice spoke. Evan guessed they were a doctor or nurse considering the other person said that’s who they were going to get.

 

“Umm, alright. Why is it so dark?”

 

“Let’s start from the beginning. Firstly, do you remember what you were doing in that alleyway?”

 

“No.”

 

“Let me know if anything comes back when I explain what we’ve observed. Ms Thompson was on her way to work when she found you. According to her, you were conscious but became unconscious shortly after she found you. She called an ambulance and we brought you here. You’ve been out on drugs most of today and it’s around dinner time right now. The darkness is because you hit your head pretty hard before you were found. We’ve done scans but thankfully, no internal damage was found. We aren’t entirely sure why but the darkness seems to be helping. You were having fits before your scan but after it, we put you in darkness and it seems to have subdued you. Ms Thompson is calling the contact you gave her. Do you mind telling me who it is?”

 

“Uhh, umm. He’s a friend of mine; Jared Kleinman.”

 

“Okay. Is there anyone else you want to contact? Your mother or father, for example?”

 

“No, there’s no one else.”

 

“Okay. Now that you’re awake, we are going to slowly add more light into the room. We will have a nurse present to stop the process should another fit begin.”

 

“Okay.” Evan heard a door open, close, then open and close again. The room Evan was in slowly lit up. At first, Evan noticed the outlines of a tv, the bed he was in and chairs around the room.

 

~~~~

 

It was around eight o’clock and Evan was seated in a low-lit hospital room waiting for Jared to arrive. He’d texted Evan saying he was on his way as soon as he’d been called.

 

There was a light knock on the door and Evan spun to meet Jared opening the door. Evan’s smile quickly dropped when he saw how disappointed Jared had looked.

 

“Jared?” Evan called quietly, scared of spooking the fragile-looking boy.

 

“Evan,” Jared said. He sounded almost as defeated as he looked.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Am I okay?! You’re the one who tried to kill yourself!” Jared half-screamed. He looked up to Evan and it was clear he was close to crying.

 

“I- what?” Evan questioned. He couldn’t remember Friday but that didn’t sound right. He’d been happy and yeah, mental illness can be unpredictable, but he wasn’t in any pain. If he attempted suicide, wouldn’t he have some kind of pain? And if he’d tried to kill himself, wouldn’t he remember? Or at least remember more than he did?

 

“Jake told me what happened!” Jared screamed. Evan flinched at the aggression in his voice. “I’m sorry. I’m just scared, and angry. Not at you though; at myself. I noticed things and chose to not believe them. I don’t know how to deal with these things.”

 

“I’m confused. What did Jake tell you?”

 

“You don’t remember?”

 

“No; not anything from yesterday. I remember waking up and leaving for class. I think I sat in the courtyard for lunch but I’m honestly not sure. As for the afternoon, I have no clue. What did Jake tell you?” Evan questioned again since he never got an answer to the previous attempt.

 

“He told me he found you in an alleyway with a tub of pills in your hand. According to him, it was pretty clear what you were trying to do. You had a beer bottle in your other hand; probably used it to down the pills. He called an ambulance and got you here. I was going to come in as soon as I heard but he talked me out of it, saying you were sleeping and that I should wait till you’re awake.” Jared explained. Evan made a mental list with everything he knew so far and everything Jared had been told.

 

He was found in an alleyway; true. Tub of pills? The doctor never said anything about that or the beer. The doctor probably would have mentioned if it appeared Evan had tried to kill himself. And besides, they would have pumped his stomach and he had no such stomach pains. The person who found him was Jake apparently. But the doctor had told him it was someone named Ms Thompson so that doesn’t add up either.

 

“Jared,” Evan called, causing said to look up from where he was seated at the end of Evan’s bed. “I didn’t try to kill myself,” Evan announced as confidently as he could. Of course, he didn’t know for certain but all the signs pointed to it being false information.

 

“But, Jake told me,”

 

“He must have lied. I don’t remember much but the doctors never mentioned any pills or beer and they did mention that someone named Ms Thompson was the one to find me.” Evan explained as best he could. He had to admit, this was an extremely confusing situation.

 

“I don’t know what to believe.”

 

“If you want, I can call a doctor in to confirm my story?”

 

“I’d like that, thanks.”

 

Evan pressed the assistance button and a nurse came in after eight minutes. Evan requested a doctor and the same doctor from before entered after around fifteen minutes of waiting.

 

“How can I help?” the doctor questioned. He seemed nice and caring, kindness and understanding always showing in his voice.

 

“When I was found, did I have anything with me?”

 

“Nothing. There was clear signs of distress but absolutely nothing with you aside from your phone and wallet. Why? Have you lost something?”

 

“No. It seems my friend was given some false information and I just wanted to confirm the truth.”

 

“Okay. Well, discharges can’t happen after five so we will have to do that in the morning. In the meantime, do you have any medication you need to take?”

 

“I take Xanax, for my anxiety.”

 

“I’ve got it here,” Jared spoke up. He grabbed his backpack off the ground and shuffled through it, locating a small container that held a few emergency supplements of Evan’s pills. Wow, Jared really was acting like a mother to Evan. Jared handed the pills to the doctor and told him the dosage, the doctor writing it down on a slip of paper.

 

“Thanks, I will need to see the script as soon as possible though. I can’t give you anything until we get evidence. And is there anything else? Any medical conditions we should know about before we discharge you in the morning?”

 

“No. I did just get out of another hospital, though. I got out Tuesday, I think.”

 

“And why were you in there?”

 

“Uh, I was beaten up but a group of people.”

 

“Uh huh. Any lasting effects?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay. Is there anything else I should know?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay. Well, I’ve got other things to get done so I will be off now. Good night, hope you boys sleep well.”

 

“Bye.”

 

“Bye.”


	17. Evan Has No Luck On His Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I've decided there is going to be 22 chapters to this story. While I've loved writing this, I've got lots of other ideas that I want to get out of my head and into the real world. Hope you won't be disappointed with the ending, I'm trying :)

Evan was discharged from the hospital on Sunday morning along with Jared who had chosen to sleep over to keep him company.

 

Before getting discharged, Evan had been instructed to drink plenty of water and eat three good meals every day. The doctors had also debated changing Evan’s meds but decided to not mess with his system too much.

 

“They gave you your pills this morning, right?” Jared questioned, sitting down in a seat on the bus they were catching back to Whitehall.

 

“Yes.”

 

“So, since neither of us has classes today, I was wondering if you wanted to spend all day binge-watching movies in my room? We could also play video games if you’d prefer that.”

  
“A movie day sounds great. Does your new roommate show up today?”

 

“I think so.”

 

~~~~

 

They were seated on Jared’s bed, backs against the wall, and they’d just finished the first film of many.

 

There was a light knock at the door and the sound of a key turning in the lock. Jared quickly shot Evan a look as if saying ‘that must be my new roommate’. The door opened to reveal a short boy with curly brown hair. He looked around the room, eyes instantly flying to Jared and Evan on the bed.

 

“Hi,” the boy said, moving quickly to place his single suitcase on the spare bed.

 

“Hey. So, I’m Jared, you’re new roommate. And this is Evan,” Jared greeted for both of them. Evan had slightly curled in on himself, scared of not being approved by Jared’s new roommate. What if he didn’t like Evan? Would he ever be let him in the room again? Evan lifted one of his sweaty hands to wave at the other but it went unnoticed as the other began to unzip the suitcase.

 

“So,” Jared began. “What’s your name?”

 

“Oh, uh, I’m Max,” Max introduced, still entirely focussed on his suitcase.

 

“Nice to meet you, Max. Ev and I were about to go get lunch. If you want, we can wait for you to unpack and we can all go together, get to know each other,” Jared offered. Evan was left in slight wonderment how he could be so confident while surrounded by all the nervous energy he was putting out. Maybe he didn’t even notice it.

 

“Uh, sure, okay.”

 

Jared and Evan started a new film and half an hour later, they we're headed off to lunch.

 

“Any place in particular you would like to go,” Jared questioned, holding off the ending as if waiting to end the question.

 

“Max,” Max added.

 

“Max,” Jared repeated. Evan still hadn’t said anything since Max entered the room.

 

“I don’t really know any of the good places around here so I’ll leave it up to you.”

 

Jared and Evan agreed on a pizza restaurant five minutes away from their dorm and they were off.

 

~~~~

 

Once their pizza arrived, the began to dig in.

 

“Finally! Real food!” Max exclaimed as if he hadn’t eaten proper food in years. Jared raised an eyebrow in confusion, Evan also looking at him like he was mad. “I was at a summer camp all summer and I’ve been living off microwave meals for the past couple weeks after I got back.”

 

~~~~

 

They were halfway through their meal when an unexpected visitor arrived.

 

“Hey, guys. Fancy seeing you here,” Jake called, jumping onto the seat in the booth next to Max.

 

Jared must have felt the atmosphere change as Evan curled in on himself, full of dismay for the uninvited guest.

 

“Hey,” Jared greeted, much less enthusiastic than Jake. Before he could continue, Jake began to speak again.

 

“Evan, hey. You’re out. How are you feeling?”

 

Evan was too shocked to speak. He knew Jake lied. Jared knew Jake lied. Surely he knew Evan would remember at least little bits of what happened.

 

“What happened on Friday?” Jared spoke up. He sounded angry which only served to scare Evan more, even though he knew Jared’s anger wasn’t aimed at him.

 

“I told you all I know,” Jake explained vaguely, brushing off the question. “Now, who’s this?” Jake asked, turning to face Max who looked almost as terrified as Evan.

 

“I- I’m Max.”

 

“Max, I’m sorry. Do you mind if Evan and I have a private word with Jake for a few minutes?” Jared asked, trying to get away so he could learn the full story.

 

“Not at all. I’ll wait outside.”

 

“No need. We’ll be right back.” Jared reached over and grabbed Evan’s wrist, knowing that Evan wasn’t going anywhere of his own free will.

 

Jake followed behind the two until they were safely out of earshot from anyone in the restaurant.

 

“We know what you told me is a lie. So, what the actual fuck happened on Friday?” Jared snapped, snarling at Jake. He was still holding Evan’s wrist which was probably a good thing as Evan would have run the first chance he got.

 

“How do you know? I was the only one there,” Jake argued defensively.

 

“We know because the doctor that took care of Evan told us what they knew and it doesn’t add up with your story. Now, I’ll ask one more time. What the fuck happened to Evan on Friday?”

 

“Fine. You know that after Chris beat the everloving shit out of Evan he was put in juvie until what happened could be made clear. Basically, I needed Evan to sign a form saying Chris was innocent. Of course, I doubted Evan would do that on his own so my plan was to get him drunk enough to sign it without realising. I invited him to a club which he accepted on his own, no persuasion needed, surprisingly. I gave him a beer and he started getting drunk. Without knowing it, Evan had just taken the pills you gave him and the beer caused some kinda reaction. Basically, Evan passed out shortly after his first beer. I pulled him out of the club and into an alleyway next to it. I tried to get Evan to wake up but that didn’t happen so I figured I should leave before someone found out what I was trying to do,” Jake explained, blank-faced. He didn’t even seem the slightest bit sympathetic for what he did.

 

“So you just left him there?! Completely unconscious. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jared yelled, drawing the attention of a few diners but they quickly lost interest.

 

“Well, it’s not like I care for him. I barely know him and if I got caught, I’d likely be joining Chris in juvie for tampering with the victim. I just want Chris out of juvie. He’s been my best friend since I was six and I’ll help him no matter what. He’s not a bully, he just knows how to stop people messing with him.”

 

“Well, this conversation is over. I don’t want to see you or Chris anywhere near me or Evan ever again,” Jared threatened.

 

“You know what, Evan? You’re lucky this fag has a crush on you and will do anything to protect you. It’s pretty pathetic but you can’t take care of yourself so you’re lucky,” Jake snarled.

 

“D- don’t call h- him that,” Evan stuttered out, speaking up for the first time since Jared pulled him from the table.

 

“Ev, it’s fine,” Jared soothed, completely focussed on Evan now.

 

“No, it- it's not. He shouldn’t call y- you that. He’s been constantly p- picking on me and I d- don’t care about that but I- I’m not going to let him push you around, t- too. Y- you’re always taking care of me, let me h- help out,” Evan said, trying to keep his stuttering to a minimum. He turned to Jake and continued. “I have a question. Even if Jared was gay, and I’m not saying he is. But if he was, why does it even matter? His sexuality has nothing to do with you or anyone else. Do you use ‘straight’ as an insult? No, no you don’t. So don’t you dare use gay slurs as an insult to anyone!”

 

“Geese. Hit a nerve, did I?” Jake chided.

 

“Fuck off. We’re done here. But don’t think we aren’t telling the police about this little stunt you pulled.” Jared, still holding Evan’s wrist, began to pull him away from Jake and over to Max, who was sitting and waiting patiently.

 

“It’s your word against mine,” Jake called after then.

 

Jake left the restaurant and Jared and Evan sat back in the booth. Evan picked up the half eaten pizza slice on his plate and took a bite but it was cold so he chose not to eat anymore.

 

“Sorry about that. We just had some stuff to sort out,” Jared explained simply, not going into too much detail for Evan’s sake.

 

“It’s fine. Who was he anyway, if you don’t mind saying?”

 

“Jake. But if you know what’s good for you, you’ll avoid him. He’s toxic and done some pretty horrible things since we met a couple of weeks ago.” Evan nodded in agreement.

 

“He didn’t seem very nice. I much prefer you guys.”

 

The rest of their lunch was spent in happy conversations, learning and liking Max more and more as the meal continued. After a while, they decided to go back to the dorms, at which Evan said goodbye to Jared and Max and went to his own room.


	18. Hotels Mess Up More Than They Should

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry; I've been so busy and overwhelmed. I might finish posting today though :) It's all written, I just have to edit and post! Sorry again >.<

Evan’s life was slowly returning to normal. He had survived a week without anything bad happening to him which was more surprising that it should have been. Jared was still moderating Evan’s pills but now Evan was given three pills in the morning so he could have his night one on his own. Sometimes when Jared knew he would be unavailable in the morning, he’d give Evan the pills for the next day too but there was never more than two days worth in Evan’s possession.

 

Evan and Connor were getting along fairly well with regular conversations about nothing in particular. Evan had learned Connor had a terrible home life and also that when he was missing on Tuesday evenings, it was for group therapy (that his parents made him do). Evan learned things about Zoe that he didn’t know; which only cemented his no longer existing crush on her.

 

Jake had been placed in juvie for four years for attempted witness tampering and, after Evan’s testimony, Chris was also placed behind bars for six years for physical and psychological abuse.

 

Evan life, for the most part, was returned to normalcy. Though Evan refused to get his hopes up for safety, nothing bad had happened in the previous week and only one, small thing had happened in the two weeks before.

 

~~~~

 

“So, we’re leaving tomorrow and coming back Monday, yeah?” Connor asked in confirmation. It was Thursday and the following days would be spent in New Jersey, just Evan and Connor.

 

“If that’s okay with you,” Evan said, still used to always putting other people before him. Connor and Jared were working to change that because Evan sometimes didn’t say if he needed something or if he really didn’t want something.

 

“Evan,”

 

“I, I mean yes. That was the plan,” Evan corrected. Connor grabbed out his largest suitcase and they decided to share it since there was plenty of space and they were only going for three days.

 

After packing, they flopped onto their respective beds and sat in darkness, talking to each other. While most of their conversations were light-hearted, they did occasionally have deep and meaningful’s. This was one of those conversations; they lay in the almost pitch black room, staring at nothing in particular and talking about what living truly is.

 

“Maybe it’s to be happy? Like, no matter what it is, as long as you're happy, you're fulfilling life,” Evan suggested.

 

“But what if your happiness is a result of another’s sadness. Like, murders, for example. They get happiness from making others suffer. Is that still truly living?”

 

“Good point. Do you have any suggestions?”

 

“Maybe it’s like, being good. Having knowledge and using that to benefit others and the Earth?”

 

“That sounds good. But then we have the topic of what is good. Every person has different opinions on what is right and wrong so simply being ‘good’ couldn’t be truly living. For example, you might think it's wrong to steal, therefore stealing wouldn’t be truly living. But if I thought stealing was good, then I would have to do that for me to truly live.”

 

“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know. It’s probably one of those questions that no one knows the answer to. We should probably sleep now, though. We’ve got a long day of travel tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah. Good night, Connor.”

 

“Good night, Evan.”

 

~~~~

 

They had been on the road for four hours and were looking for a place to stop for lunch. Jared had given Connor Evan’s pills and instructed him to keep Evan safe and alive or there was going to be hell to pay. Jared was actually kind of scary when he was threatening people, though Connor seemed completely unaffected by it.

 

“We could just grab some fast food and keep driving?” Connor offered, looking around for places to eat while focussing on the road.

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

~~~~

 

Jared - 5:34 pm: Hey.

 

Evan - 5:35 pm: Hey.

 

Jared - 5:35 pm: How’s the travel going?

 

Evan - 5:35 pm: Pretty good. We’ve got about two and a half hours left. How was your day?

 

Jared - 5:36 pm: Alright. Kinda boring. Max and I hung out with Amelia. Did she tell you she broke up with him after he went to juvie? According to her, she had no idea how serious what he was doing was.

 

Evan - 5:38 pm: No, she didn’t tell me that. What did you do with Max and Amelia?

 

“Who you texting?” Connor questioned, eyes staying on the road that was beginning to dim. He flicked on the headlights so it was a little easier to see.

 

“Jared. Just making sure I’m still alive,” Evan joked.

 

“Does he really think I’d do anything to you?”

 

“I don’t think so. He just doesn’t understand mental illness and because of Luke, thinks you might make me want to, you know. Though he really should give it up ‘cause it doesn’t work that way,” Evan explained, then read Jared’s reply.

 

Jared - 5:39 pm: Went to see a movie and then hung out at a park in town. I would have invited you but I knew you had plans. You will tell me if he tries any funny business, right?

 

Evan - 5:41 pm: I’m sure he won’t but sure. If it’ll help you sleep at night :P

 

Jared - 5:42 pm: Thanks. I got to go. Cya.

 

Evan - 5:43 pm: Bye.

 

~~~~

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Connor blurted upon seeing the room. Evan was following behind so he didn’t know what Connor has seen.

 

“What?”

 

“They gave up one bed. I asked for two separate beds but they gave us one,” Connor explained, pulling the suitcase into the room and placing it at the foot of the bed. “It’s fine. I’ll sleep on the couch.” He offered.

 

“No, it’s fine. We share a tiny room, what more is sharing a bed?” Evan tossed himself on the bed, too tired to do anything but sleep.

 

“We should get changed into our PJs before sleeping,” Connor suggested, grabbing his night clothes out of the shared suitcase and tracking into the bathroom. Evan grabbed his as well and waited for Connor to be done in the bathroom.

 

They were both in their PJs, Evan in a t-shirt and long pants and Connor in a long-sleeve snug shirt and loose lounge pants. Evan had just taken his pill and they were laying on the bed on their phones, sitting in silence. Though that could be because they both thought the other could have fallen asleep.

 

“Evan?” Connor called, quiet enough to only be heard if Evan was still awake.

 

“Hmm?” Evan replied, equally as quiet.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to sleep on the couch? I don’t mind.”

 

“Connor, it’s fine. Just go to sleep.”

 

“Okay. Good night.”

 

“Night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it :) The 'accidentally sharing a bed' is a little cliche but oh well


	19. Non-Date Dates And Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A cute fluffy chapter before some angst :')

“Connor,” Evan called, lightly shaking his shoulder. It was around nine o’clock and Evan decided they should both be awake.

 

“Ugh. What are you doing?” Connor grumbled.

 

“I, uh, I thought we should wake up. It’s past nine.”

 

“Really?” Connor lifted his head to look at the alarm clock, confirming the time. “Fuck. I must have been tired,” Connor sat up and grabbed his phone from the bedside table. “Shit. We forgot to put our phones on charge yesterday.”

 

“I put mine on when I woke up. I would have put yours on too but I didn’t want to go through your stuff without your permission.”

 

“You’ve got to take your pills,” Connor remembered, disregarding the previous topic.

 

“Yeah. That’s why I woke you. I’m not supposed to have them too late in the day.”

 

“Just let me get them.”

 

Connor stood from the bed and marched over to the suitcase. After digging around for a few minutes, the pills were found and handed to Evan.

  
~~~~

 

The two boys entered the zoo that they chose to go to that day. It was about a half an hour drive from where they were staying so the trip was short. Connor insisted on buying the tickets, saying it was his idea to go away for the weekend.

 

Evan was holding the events pamphlet while Connor had the map. Together, they worked out everything they wanted to do and what would be the most efficient method.

 

“Come on,” Evan called, grabbing onto Connor’s hand and beginning to run in the direction of the first exhibit. No one ever would have guessed it but Evan loved zoos. He wanted to do so many things and there wasn’t one part of the day Evan wasn’t smiling, except, perhaps, the spiders. This made Connor happy too, knowing that the day was going to be a success.

 

“That ones you.” Evan joked, pointing to one of the lions in the corner of the enclosure. It was all alone while the other three lions in the enclosure were playing.

 

“Hey,” Connor said, mocking offence. “If that’s me, that one would be you,” Connor added, pointing to one of the three lions playing on it’s back, big feet up in the air and flailing around.

 

“Sure. Whatever you want,” Evan laughed.

 

~~~~

 

“Where to next?” Connor questioned, exiting the underwater penguin enclosure.

 

“Umm, t- the sp- spiders,” Evan choked out. This was the one part of the day Evan was not looking forward to. He wasn’t particularly scared of them, but seeing them up close was a bit out of his comfort zone.

 

“You okay? We don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Connor asked, voice comforting and understanding.

 

“No, no. We’ve been doing what I want all day. Let’s go to the s- spider enclosure.”

 

“Don’t worry. I’ll protect you,” Connor joked, wrapping his arm around Evan’s waist for a split second. Evan blushed at that, which Connor must have noticed. His face felt as if it were burning, there was no way he couldn’t.

 

Once inside the darkness of the spider enclosure, Evan’s hands began to tremble. They were fidgeting with his shirt’s hem when Connor stopped, forcing Evan to stop too since he was walking behind.

 

“Evan,” Connor said, turning to face him.

 

“Y- yes?”

 

“You’re going to destroy your shirt if you keep that up.” Connor then reached forward and grabbed Evan’s hand, holding it in his. “We’re safe in here. All the spiders are behind glass. They can’t get you,” Connor soothed. He turned and began to walk further into the enclosure, not letting go of Evan’s hand.

 

~~~~

 

Once they left the spider enclosure, Connor still didn’t let go of Evan’s hand. It was a loose grip that Evan could easily get out of it if he wanted. However, Evan didn’t want to. He was quite enjoying holding Connor’s hand.

 

When they sat down for lunch, Connor dropped his hand and Evan tried to look not too disappointed at the loss.

 

~~~~

 

They were seated at a bird show, hands encased in each other’s again. Evan initiated it this time and he was incredibly nervous, though Connor didn’t seem to mind that Evan wanted to hold hands.

 

The show began and one of the keepers asked for an assistant. Connor raised Evan’s hand for him. Despite his protests, Evan’s hand remained up and was selected. When all eyes turned to Evan (because he was selected), he began to shake. He was so scared his mind shut off and he hid in Connor’s chest. Connor accepted this and snuck his arms around Evan’s back.

 

“I’ll go with you,” Connor whispered, knowing Evan would enjoy participating. Evan loved birds, he envied their freedom to fly wherever they wish whenever they wanted. Evan, still not wanting to participate, shook his head, snuffling it into Connor’s chest even more. Connor looked at one of the keepers that came to collect him and quietly told them to pick someone else.

 

~~~~

 

“I’m sorry for putting your hand up for you. I shouldn’t have done that. You were clearly uncomfortable,” Connor apologised, once again holding onto Evan’s hand. They had been holding hand for most of the day, which was kinda odd considering their trip to the zoo wasn’t even a date. Evan wouldn’t have minded if it were a date as he was quickly starting to accept his developing crush on the Murphy boy.

 

“It’s fine. You knew I would have enjoyed it. And I would have; I’m just too scared of messing up.”

 

“But I shouldn’t have forced you to put your hand up. If I had the opportunity again- well, I’d probably still put your hand up. You’re incredibly cute when you're shy,” Connor complimented. Evan blushed at being called cute. Especially from Connor about something he hated.

 

“I hate being shy.”

 

“Well, you shouldn’t. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

 

Their day out had unofficially turned into a date. It even finished with Evan being bought a stuffed animal. The stuffed animal was of a penguin about fifteen centimetres (six inches) tall. The fur it was covered in was the softest thing Evan had ever felt and he never let the animal go for the rest of the day.

 

~~~~

 

Jared - 7:34 pm: Hey. How’s your weekend going? Connor done anything yet?

 

Evan - 7:36 pm: Hi. I don’t know what you're expecting to happen. Connor and I had a wonderful day at the zoo. I’d appreciate you not being so sceptical of him; he’s a really amazing person.

 

Jared - 7:38 pm: You went to the zoo? Don’t get me wrong but it sounds like you went on a date. Do you like him? I don’t care if you do, btw. Being gay is totally cool with me.

 

Evan - 7:39 pm: It was not a date! And I’m not sure. I definitely don’t like Zoe anymore. I don’t know if it’s a crush. Like, I wouldn’t actively do anything but he asked me out, I wouldn’t say no.

 

Jared - 7:41 pm: That’s a crush, Evan. You like Murphy! And it was definitely a date. Did you do anything that friends wouldn’t?

 

Evan - 7:45 pm: We held hands?

 

Jared - 7:45 pm: You what?! Oh my god. You are definitely gay for Murphy.

 

Evan - 7:46 pm: Jared, please. Stop.

 

Jared - 7:47 pm: Fine. Just stating the obvious. What else did you do on this non-date date?

 

Evan - 7:49 pm: Wouldn’t he have told me if it was a date?

 

Jared - 7:50 pm: You’re avoiding the question. And maybe he didn’t want to spook you. Or maybe he invited you before he realised how gay he was for you. Connor isn’t a touchy person so if you held hands, he definitely likes you. You should tell him.

 

Evan - 7:52 pm: Yeah, definitely not. Even if he did like me, there is no way I’m telling him I like him.

 

Jared - 7:53 pm: So you admit it?

 

Evan - 7:53 pm: Sure. Whatever you want.

 

Jared - 7:54 pm: I got to go now. See ya.

 

Evan - 7:55 pm: Oh, ok, bye.

 

~~~~

 

The next day was spent wandering around Red Bank, New Jersey. They debated going to the beach but agreed it was too cold so they went shopping at a mall nearby where they were staying instead.

 

Connor seemed ecstatic about the show they were seeing that afternoon and Evan was getting excited as well. Connor had explained the basic premise of the story and it sounded really interesting to him.

 

Evan and Connor spent almost the entire day hand in hand. It was as if they had been doing it for years. Their hands just fit together perfectly; as if they were made for each other.

 

~~~~

 

They were standing in line to get drinks and were about to enter the theatre. Evan held the tickets in his hand while Connor carried the drinks.

 

Once they sat down, their hands found each other’s again instantly and they began to talk of the show.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys. Today’s production of ‘Be More Chill’ will begin in ten minutes. Please find your seats,” the speaker announced.

 

Evan and Connor talked animatedly until the theatre lights dimmed, signalling the beginning of the show.

 

~~~~

 

The show was amazing. Connor got more out of it than Evan since he’d read the book but it was still greatly enjoyable. They were climbing out of Connor’s car to head back inside to their room when Connor stopped. They were still holding hands and standing right next to the car they just climbed out of.

 

Connor’s hand, the one that wasn’t encased in Evan’s, cupped Evan’s cheek. Evan’s heart sped up as he guessed what was about to come; it was obvious.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Connor breathed out quietly.

 

Evan, for an answer, moved forward and connected their lips. It was short and sweet, and over way sooner than Evan wanted.

 

~~~~

 

The rest of the evening was spent just like the two previous days; holding hands. It’s all they ever really did anymore. They hadn’t really talked of what their relationship was but Evan was sure it would come soon. Until then, he would enjoy having Connor around.

 

Evan was half asleep when he felt Connor move out of the bed. He was tucked into bed like his mother used to do, even kissed on the forehead. He could have sworn he heard Connor whisper ‘sorry’ but he was too sleepy to understand what was going on.


	20. Fun Times In ER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, suicide attempt! Please don't read if this could trigger you!

When Evan woke up, Connor wasn’t in bed. He vaguely remembered the previous night. Connor tucking him in. Connor kissing him goodnight. Connor... saying ‘sorry’. Evan shot out of bed, heart hammering in his chest. Why had Connor said ‘sorry’, and where the hell was he?

 

Evan looked around for any signs Connor had gone out to get something but there was nothing. His phone was on the bedside table with his wallet, both symbols of him being in the hotel room.

 

Evan spun to face the bathroom door when he heard a thud and a gravelly voice mumble ‘shit’. Evan knocked on the door, getting no reply.

 

“Connor?” Evan called, slowly calming as he knew Connor must have been inside. “Connor? You in there?” No reply. “I’m coming in, okay?” Evan tried the handle but it was locked. “Connor? Open the door. I need to use the loo.” No reply.

 

Evan looked around to find something to open the door with. However, when he saw colour out of the corner of his eye; he froze. Red. Red was tainting the edge of the carpet next to the doorway. Evan began to panic, finally putting together what was going on.

 

“Connor?! O- open the door! This- this isn’t f- funny!” Evan tried desperately to open the door but it wasn’t budging. Evan ran and found a small paperclip holding together papers given to them by the hotel. He hoped it would do the trick.

 

Evan rattled the door handle and it still didn’t budge so he inserted the paperclip, hearing a click sound shortly after. Evan turned the handle and the door swung open, revealing the most horrific sight Evan had ever seen.

 

Connor was lying on the ground, next to the bathtub and toilet, bleeding out. He was clearly unconscious and he must have hit his head judging by the position he was laying in. There was blood pooling around him and spreading through the small lines in between tiles.

 

“No. No, no, no. Connor. You’ll be okay. I’ve got you.” Connor had a switchblade knife in his right hand and a wide cut on his left arm, stretching from his wrist to half-way up his forearm. Evan had never seen so much blood and after fully processing what was going on, bolted from the bathroom to reach his phone. He hated phones but he hated the idea of Connor dying five thousand times more.

 

“Nine, one, one. What’s your emergency?” the operator spoke, clear and calm, but also ready to take action.

 

“M- my friend. He- he t- tried to k- kill h- himself,” Evan stuttered into the phone.

 

“What’s your location?” the operator asked next. Evan stuttered out a response, moving back into the bathroom to sit with Connor who was quickly withering away.

 

“I’m sending an ambulance. Please stay on the line until they arrive. How’s your friend doing?”

 

“Um. He- he’s unconscious. And b- bleeding a l- lot,” Evan replied, trying to get his stuttering under control so he could answer the operator's questions clearly.

 

“Okay. Can you get a towel or something similar to cover the wound? Apply pressure to stop the bleeding as much as possible. What room number are you in at the hotel?”

 

“Seventeen,” Evan said, grabbing a bath towel and applying pressure to Connor’s arm.

 

“Okay. They should be almost there.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Evan stayed silent for a little bit, putting as much pressure as possible onto Connor’s wound. The white towel was quickly becoming soaked in blood but Evan could care less; his clothes, too, had stains on them.

 

Evan heard the front door crash onto the ground, signalling the arrival of the paramedics.

 

“In here!” Evan called.

 

“Are the ambulance with you?” the operator questioned.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay. I’ll leave them to it. Bye.”

 

“Yeah, ok. Bye.”

 

Once the line cut off, paramedics entered the bathroom and Evan was ushered out. Evan counted a total of four people and new Connor was in safe hands. Realising for the first time that Connor would be going to a hospital, he began to pack their suitcase of everything they owned.

 

~~~~

 

“Are you coming with us?” one of the paramedics, a red-haired women with kind eyes, asked.

 

“If that’s okay?”

 

“Of course.”

 

~~~~

 

Evan sat in the waiting room of the hospital, staring at the tv but not really watching it. His eyes were clouded over from tears and his mind was running at full force.  _ You didn’t save him. He’s already dead. They’re just sparing you the knowledge ‘cause they pity you. You're worthless; you will never escape it. You’re toxic. Connor is dead because of you. And what a pity, you just realised you liked each other. Too bad you will never see him again; at least not while he’s breathing. _ The voice spoke. It was aggressive and accusatory. Evan didn’t want to believe what it said but what choice did he have. It’s hard to ignore a voice inside your own head.

 

A doctor appeared at the doorway and called out, “Evan Hansen?” Evan’s head shot up and he stood. The doctor’s eyes followed his movement and walked over. “You’re here for Connor Murphy?” the doctor asked in confrontation.

 

“Yes. He- Is he okay?” Evan dreaded the answer. His mind had already decided the outcome of this episode but Evan really didn’t want to believe Connor was gone.

 

“He will be,” the doctor informed. Evan let out a breath at the news. He was okay. Connor was okay.  _ The doctor said will be. He’s not yet. Things can change, Evan. Things can change. _ The voice in Evan’s head said. He did his best to ignore it and listen to the doctor as she explained Connor’s state. “He was in critical condition when we brought him in. We’ve managed to get him stable but he won’t be waking up for at least a day. You can visit him for a few minutes if you would like.”

 

“Yes, please,” the doctor nodded and turned towards the doors leading to the rooms. Evan followed her until she stopped outside a door.

 

“He is in here,” she began, motioning to the door. “Now, just so you know, there’s a tube down his throat. It’s just helping to keep his air-ways clear so he can breath. It might be a little unsettling but it doesn’t hurt him in any way,” the doctor explained. She turned and began to walk away. Evan stood and stared at the door, taking a deep breath before opening the door.

 

Connor was on the bed, a tube down his throat like the doctor had said. His arm was covered in a massive bandage and his face was deathly pale. Evan took a seat next to Connor and grabbed his right hand, the one that wasn’t bandaged.

 

“Hey, Connor. I don’t know if you can hear me or not.” Evan began, choosing his words carefully. “You really scared me. I hope you’ll be okay. I don’t want to lose you. I- I love you,” Evan confessed, one tear slipping down his face. “You better be okay. In the month that we’ve known each other, well properly known each other, I’ve considered you a friend. Maybe even a boyfriend after this weekend. If you go, we will never find out what we could have been.”

 

If Connor heard any of that, he didn’t show it. Though, he couldn’t show it. Evan wasn’t sure if he said what he said for Connor or for himself. Either way, he hoped Connor had heard; or at least felt the emotion behind what Evan told him.

 

~~~~

 

Evan was seated in the waiting room. He was eating some cheese and crackers from one of the vending machines, not thinking he would be able to stomach anything more.  _ Do Connor’s parents know what’s happening? Would they even care?  _ Evan knew Connor’s home life was terrible but he hoped they at least knew and cared about what was happening to him.

 

Jared - 9:24 pm: Where are you? I thought you were supposed to get home by dinner time.

 

Evan - 9:25 pm: Yeah, we were. I won’t be coming back for at least a few more days; sorry.

 

Jared - 9:27 pm: What? Why? Did Connor do something?

 

Evan - 9:28 pm: Connor did do something but I’d prefer not to talk about it now. I’ll explain when we get back; it’s a conversation we should have in person and with Connor.

 

Jared - 9:29 pm: You better tell me what he did right now! Are you okay?

 

Evan - 9:29 pm: I’m alright. I’ll talk to you about it later. I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

 

Jared - 9:30 pm: Ok. But you’re definitely ok, right?

 

Evan - 9:30 pm: Yes. Bye, Jared.

 

Jared - 9:31 pm: Bye, Ev.

 

~~~~

 

Evan slept at the hospital that night. Partly because he didn’t have anywhere else to stay but also because he wanted to be as close to Connor as possible. For the past month, they’d spent every night sleeping in the same room and Evan never realised he grew accustomed to it and had difficulty sleeping without Connor there now. He doubted the uncomfortable seat and bright lights helped his insomnia as well.

 

Evan woke and checked his phone. The hospital was still up and running at 4:30 am though it was the emergency room so it’s not like they could close. As if saying ‘sorry if you're dying but I want to sleep at 4:30 am’ is an option. Evan stood and walked over to the counter, which had an exhausted-looking nurse sitting there.

 

“Hello,” Evan began, catching the lady’s attention.

 

“Huh? Oh, hello. How may I help?”

 

“I was wondering if there was anything new information on Connor Murphy?”

 

“Just let me check. Who are you?”

 

“Evan Hansen. His boyfriend,” Evan said, possibly lying. They hadn’t decided their relationship status but he knew he wasn’t likely to get information if they were just friends.

 

“Okay. He’s still unconscious. Stable. Estimated to wake up within the next twelve hours.”

 

“Okay. Thank you.” Evan turned and walked back to his seat. He unzipped the suitcase and grabbed out his charger, plugging it into the wall next to him. Evan, still incredibly tired, decided to try and get a few more hours sleep.


	21. He's Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second last chapter! Hope you're ready :)

Tuesday morning was when Connor woke up. Evan was seated in the waiting room when a nurse came out to give him the information.

 

“Evan Hansen?” he called, holding a clipboard in his hand and a pen in the other.

 

“Yes?” Evan said, looking up and walking over to him.

 

“Connor is awake. You can visit him if you wish.”

 

“Oh thank god! I’d love to visit him; thank you.”

 

“Very well. Just be warned, some patients get aggressive after they fail at their, um, attempt,” he warned. They walked to the same room as the day before and he left Evan. Evan knocked lightly on the door as a warning and walked in.

 

Connor’s eyes locked onto his with an intense death glare. It was clear the nurse’s warning applied to him. Evan walked cautiously over to the bed and took a seat next to it.

 

“Why?” Connor snapped, using his good hand to push himself slightly into a seated position, but failing and giving up.

 

“Isn’t that my line?” Evan joked, trying to remove at least a fraction of the tension in the room. He failed.

 

“Why did you save me?” Connor questioned, seemingly more angry than last time.

 

“Why?” Evan asked, confused. Surely Connor knew why Evan has saved him, right? “I saved you because I like you. I don’t want you to die. I thought we had fun on the weekend. I thought we were friends; maybe something more,” Evan answered, speaking quietly but still loud enough to easily be heard.

 

“You should have let me die. I deserve to fucking die,” Connor spat.

 

“No, you don’t. No one deserves to die. Yes, we will all die in time, but your time isn’t now. I don’t want you to go.”

 

Their conversation was cut short as another nurse entered with a doctor following behind. The nurse quickly said she was going to change over the bandaid and remained silent after.

 

“Hello, Connor. It’s nice to see you awake. How are you feeling?” the doctor questioned, lifting his clipboard and getting ready to write down the response.

 

“Fine. When can I leave?” Connor growled. He had a permanent sneer on his face but it was no longer targeted at Evan.

 

“We will get to that soon,” the doctor reasoned, earning an even stronger glare from Connor. If looks could kill, well, everyone in the room would be dead by now. “Now, any pain?”

 

“No,” Connor grumbled, finally understanding that he wasn’t going anywhere until he answered all the questions.

 

“Can you contract for safety?” the doctor continued. Evan knew what that meant since he’d been asked a few times himself by his psychologist. He guessed Connor would say ‘yes’ so he could get out of the hospital but he hoped it was the truthful answer. If Connor couldn’t, he should say so regardless of how much he hated where he was.

 

Connor was silent for a few seconds, seemingly thinking about his answer. “Yes,” he answered. Connor seemed sure that was the truthful answer and Evan internally prayed to every god and superhero alike he’d ever heard of that it was.

 

“Okay. Well, I think we will get you some medication and then we can get you out of here. How does that sound?” Evan watched Connor’s contort from a glare to a neutral expression as he nodded. The doctor and nurse left to gather the pills and forms.

 

“Connor?” Evan called.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Was that the truthful answer?”

 

“Why do you care?” Connor questioned. It didn’t sound aggressive, more one of genuine confusion.

 

“What?” Evan asked, also confused.

 

“Why do you care about me? I was horrible to you last year; why do you want to be anywhere near me?”

 

“Connor,” Evan began, sad that his friend thought that way. “That was last year. We didn’t know each other. Didn’t know what we were each going through. I’m sure you had your reasons to push everyone away. But you don’t have to anymore. You don’t have to push me away.”

 

Evan watched as a tear slipped down his face. Connor never cried, let alone in front of others so something Evan said clearly upset him.

 

“Shoot. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m so sorry, Connor,” Evan apologised, rambling.

 

“You apologise too much; you know that?” Connor giggled, wiping his face of the single tear and looking up at Evan, smiling. Why was he smiling? Hadn’t Evan made him upset?

 

“It’s a work in progress,” Evan joked along, a small smile on his lips. “I’m sorry if I made you upset, though.”

 

“You didn’t,” Evan cocked his head, still confused why Connor had tears in his eyes if he wasn’t sad. “You didn’t make me sad. It’s the opposite actually. No one has ever cared about me. My dad’s a dickhead, my mum always sides with him in arguments and Zoe is terrified of me. I mean, she has good reason. Whenever I’m high, I bang on her door threatening to kill her.”

 

“Do your parents know you're here?” Evan questioned, gesturing to the hospital.

 

“Do you think they care? Even if they have been told, they won’t give a shit. They never had. You know, when I first threatened to kill myself, my dad said it was just for attention. My mum wanted to get me help but my dad talked her out of it.”

 

Once again, their conversation was cut short by the same doctor entering again. “Hello, Connor, Evan. Let’s see what we got her. Pain meds, every four to six hours for the next few days. Then every eight hours until the pain subsides,” the doctor explained, handing one of the two tubs he had to Connor. “Now, antidepressants. Twice a day; one pill morning and night; for one week. We also recommend therapy but that is your decision.” The doctor handed the other tub to Connor. “Ready to get out of here?”

 

~~~~

 

Evan and Connor climbed into his car after a half an hour walk back to the hotel they stayed at. Good thing they parked in a spot that didn’t have a time limit. If they did, they would’ve had a fun time trying to get back to college without a car.

 

“We should probably travel back in two days. We wouldn’t get back till around two or three in the morning if we did it in one go and I’m pretty tired.”

 

Evan agreed and they went on their way. Connor put music on, playing it loud enough that a conversation couldn’t happen. Evan took the hint and decided to watch the countryside out the window.

 

~~~~

 

“What are we?” Evan questioned. He was sitting on his bed, Connor on the other bed in the room. They parked an hour ago and were settling in for the night.

 

“What do you mean?” Connor questioned, popping the pills given by the doctor in his mouth.

 

“Well, we kissed. And when you were out at the hospital, I said some things to you. I don’t know if you heard them,” Evan explained, trailing off. Connor stood up from his bed and moved over to Evan’s, kneeling in front of him.

 

“I love you, too,” Connor said, smiling. Evan smiled back.

 

“That doesn’t answer my question.” Evan half-joked; however, he did want an actual answer.

 

“We’re whatever you want us to be. We can go back to being friends if you want. Or we can be boyfriends. We don’t have to ever talk again if that’s what you want. It’s up to you,” Connor was now seated cross-legged next to Evan on the bed.

 

“Boyfriends. I’d like to be boyfriends,” Evan answered.

 

“That’s cool with me,” Connor smiled grew wider and he leaned in, kissing Evan sweetly before pulling away. “Good night.” Connor stood and began to move over to his own bed but was stopped when Evan grabbed his wrist, quickly releasing it once he realised it was his injured wrist.

 

“Sorry,” Evan apologised.

 

“Did you want something?”

 

“N- no. Good night.”

 

~~~~

 

They arrived back at the college around midday on Tuesday. They hadn’t even made it back to their room when Jared ran up to them.

 

“Ev! You’re back,” Jared called causing Evan to stop. Connor also stopped to wait with his new boyfriend.

 

“Hey, Jare. Sorry we came back later than planned. We ran into some, um, issues.” Evan explained vaguely.

 

“It’s cool. I wasn’t expecting you back for another few days so if anything, you're earlier than planned. Wow, dude. What happened to your arm?” Jared questioned, turning to look at Connor’s bandaged wrist. Connor subconsciously pulled on his sleeve to cover up the injury a little better.

 

“None of your damn business, Kleinman,” Connor snapped. He grabbed the suitcase with his non-injured hand and walked away, turning into their room.

 

“What’s with him?” Jared asked, turning back to Evan.

 

“I shouldn’t say.”

 

“What the fuck?!” Connor shouted from the room, walking backwards out of his room, a look of complete shock on his face.

 

“You should go check on your boyfriend,” Jared joked.

 

“He’s not- Oh, forget it,” Evan began out of habit before remembering their conversation. They were boyfriends now; they had made it official. Evan decided he would tell Jared another time and jogged up to Connor.

 

“What’s wrong?” Evan asked, trying somewhat to calm Connor from his shock.

 

Connor must have been too shocked to speak so he just pointed into the room. Evan followed his point and saw a boy sitting on Evan’s bed. Evan had never seen him before but Connor looked as if he’d seen a ghost. Evan began to walk into the room to greet their visitor but Connor pulled him back, still too startled to explain his actions.

 

“L-” Connor got out, trying desperately to explain himself. Connor raised his hand again and pointed at the boy in the room. “Luke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't remember, Luke was Connor's roommate right at the start of the year! Dun dun!


	22. Cards Against Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! It's been a wild ride! Sorry I've been so inconsistent with posting!
> 
> TW: Mention of domestic abuse (physical, verbal & sexual)!
> 
> It's also hella gay!

“L-” Connor got out, trying desperately to explain himself. Connor raised his hand again and pointed at the boy in the room. “Luke.”

 

Evan looked at the boy in their room again and Connor’s actions clicked. Luke, the boy who killed himself, was sitting in their room, on Evan’s bed. No wonder Connor looked like he’s seen a ghost, he basically had. Luke was dead, yet here he was, in front of their eyes.

 

“C- Connor,” Evan called, quickly fearing the other boy. Connor realised people were staring and straightened himself out, glaring at the people watching and causing them to look away.

 

“Luke,” Connor said, finally pulling himself together. Evan had clung onto his shirt in confusion which helped to calm Connor that little bit more. He began to walk into the room, forcing Evan to do the same. He shut the door behind them and they both sat on Connor’s bed, Evan still clinging to him.

 

“Connor,” Luke began. His voice was calm and sincere, like he’d been tasked with giving someone horrid news. It unsettled Evan but he realised how clingy he was being so he let go of Connor. Though, still needing some form of contact, he slid his hand into Connor’s.

 

“What the fuck is going on?” Connor questioned, not angry, just absolutely baffled.

 

“Let me explain. It will take a little while so please don’t interrupt me. You can ask questions once I’m finished,” he began. Connor nodded which went unnoticed by Luke as he was looking at his feet. “I’ll spare every detail of my home life but, put as simply as possible, my mum left when I was four and my dad turned to alcohol and abusing me and my, at the time, seven-year-old sister. Once my sister was killed in a car crash, the abuse got worse. I’d always tried to protect my sister which usually ended in me getting punished but once my sister left, all his anger was targeted at me. He always told me I was useless and that no one loved me. It was hammered into my mind every day for years,” by this point, Luke had tears streaming down his face but he continued his disturbing backstory. “When I came here, I thought I’d be safe. But I quickly realised I wouldn’t be. He kept saying he couldn’t wait for me to come home. Said we could make up for lost time then. It makes me sick. I didn’t ever want to go back home so I chose to run away. I used suicide as a cover-up, figuring it would be easier if everyone thought I was dead. And for the few people who knew about my dad, it wouldn’t be suspicious. I realised though that it wasn’t fair on you and I don’t know what I’ve done to you psychologically. I’m just- I’m really sorry.”

 

Once Luke was finished, he had tears in his eyes, ready for round two. He must have found a place to stay since he wasn’t dirty and he had good, clean clothes on. He didn’t look malnourished at all and if anyone saw him, they wouldn’t guess he was a runaway. Everyone was silent for a solid few minutes, leaving Evan and Connor time to soak in everything they’d heard. Of course, Evan had never met nor heard anything about Luke aside from the suicide. Connor, on the other hand, met him and even lived with him for a few days.

 

“What!” Evan snapped. While he was thinking about the reasons behind Luke’s actions, he was more annoyed at the boy. Evan stood, raising his voice. “Did you have any idea what you were thinking?! I understand why you ran away but you didn’t have to cover it up as a suicide. That’s a serious issue for people and you shouldn’t use it so lightly as a cover up story! Did it not occur to you that, perhaps, you could have just left without warning? Or, even better, telling the truth! Write a note saying you ran away and maybe a short explanation why!” Evan yelled. Connor was initially in too much shock to retaliate; Evan never raised his voice. Connor placed his hand on Evan’s shoulder, hoping the contact would soothe him.

 

“Evan, it’s okay,” Connor stood up as well to be on the same level as Evan, causing Luke to stand as well so he was also at their height.

 

“No, it’s not!” Evan shouted, shrugging off Connor’s hand. “Yesterday, when you- I thought I’d lose you. I didn’t want to believe you were gone but my mind kept telling me you were. And you hadn’t even died yet! He tricked you into thinking he was dead! I couldn’t imagine losing you and yet, you-”

 

Connor pulled Evan into a hug, whispering ‘it’s okay’ and ‘I’m fine’. Evan gave up the struggle of getting away in favour of snuggling into Connor’s chest. Connor lifted his head that was resting on Evan’s and looked sympathetically at Luke, giving him a small smile.

 

After Evan had calmed down, they went over everything again in detail, including what happened after Luke ran away. He’d been renting a small room in some stranger’s house, using his part-time (soon to be full-time) job to pay for everything. He even changed his last name so no one could make the connection and find his father. In all honesty, he’d done everything a runaway wished they could do. Evan and Connor wanted to call the police and get the man arrested but Luke assured them the damage was already done and that there were no witnesses; it would be their word against his.

 

It was around 4 pm when Luke realised he had to leave for work. Evan and Connor agreed not to tell anyone he was alive, knowing he was safe and taking care of himself. They did exchange phone numbers though so they could stay up-to-date.

 

~~~~

 

Evan and Connor were standing outside Jared’s room, hand in hand. They had decided now would be as good a time as any to tell Jared about their new relationship. Besides, if Evan hid it, Jared would never let him forget it.

 

Connor knocked with his free hand and the waiting game began. It was only a few seconds before the door swung open to reveal Jared who looked as if he’d just finished laughing hard about something.

 

“Hey, guys. Why don’t you-” he began, stopping mid-sentence once he saw their hands. “Just saying it now, I so called it. Come in,” Jared said, cheery as ever. Connor looked to Evan and laughed a little.

 

“Guess we don’t have to do the whole ‘coming out’ thing, then,” he smiled before pulling Evan into the room.

 

Jared’s roommate, Max if Evan remembered correctly, stood and brushed a few crumbs off his pants.

 

“Hey, Evan,” he said before turning to Connor. “I’m Max. Nice to meet you,” he introduced.

 

“Connor,” said boy answered, smiling.

 

“Um, sorry. This is a little rude considering we just met but- are you two dating?”

 

He rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “No, we’re brothers. Why else would we be holding hands?” Connor quipped, laughing.

 

~~~~

 

“Want me to go steal a game from the common room?” Max offered, trying to suppress his laughter at something Jared had just said.

 

“No need. I’ve got a game that will definitely make us bond,” Jared joked, reaching under his bed for a suitcase. Inside the suitcase, was a large black box that Connor and Max recognised instantly. Evan, on the other hand, had no idea what was in the box.

 

“Cards against humanity. A game by sinners for sinners,” Connor joked, earning a good laugh from Jared and Max. Evan still had no idea what the game was. He’s heard it was really immature and dirty, the exact opposite of Evan.

 

Jared opened the box and the game began, everyone completely unaware of just how innocent Evan was.

 

“What left this stain on my couch?” Max read out loud. There were a few snickers from around the circle they’d formed as they all selected their card of choice. Max picked them up, along with the anonymous card, and began to read. “My ex-wife,” was the first card. “Multiple stab wounds, hot cheese and porn stars.”

 

They were in the fourth or fifth round and by now, everyone had learnt three of those were too dirty to be Evan’s work.

 

“Well, I know which ones Evan’s,” Jared informed.

 

“Great job, Einstein,” Connor lauhged.

 

“What? It would leave a stain!” Evan said in mock defence, giggling.

 

“So do the rest of these. I like the stab wounds one. It’s too real.”

 

“That’s mine,” Jared called, collecting the card and adding it to his pile. 

 

By the end of the game, Jared had won nine rounds, Connor ten, Max seven. Evan somehow got four wins, though two of those were just because he’d selected a card without realising it was a euphemism, causing everyone to break out laughing when the card was read. Connor had decided his favourite part of the game was Evan reading the cards; the way he blushed furiously while reading the incredibly crude sentences that would never come out of Evan’s mouth in any other situation.

 

~~~~

 

They said their goodbyes at eleven o’clock at night, giving in to exhaustion. Once back in Evan and Connor’s room, they changed into pyjamas and climbed into their respective beds.

 

“Good night, Connor. I love you,” Evan said quietly, as if a normal voice would break the serenity of the room.

 

“I love you, too. Good night.”

 

~~~~

 

“Evan!” Connor called, bursting into their shared room. Evan was seated on his bed with his laptop but when Connor came rushing him, he quickly put his laptop to the side and stood.

 

“Connor? What is it? What’s wrong?” Evan demanded, walking a few steps closer to him.

 

“I just got off the phone with my mum. She’s not listening to my dad anymore and she’s going to get me help,” Connor announced, a wide smile on his face. Evan and Connor seemed to be smiling a lot lately, but there was nothing wrong with that. It just meant they were happy. Maybe even truly living; though they still hadn’t decided how to do that.

 

“That’s amazing!”

 

“It truly is considering what happened yesterday,” Connor slipped, before realising what he said.

 

“What? What happened yesterday?”

 

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll tell you later. For now, I just want to hug you.”

 

“Well, I’ve got good news,” he paused, smiling, “I can definitely do that.”

 

_ The End. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed it! Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! Also, if you know of Dan and Phil, my next fic is about them! It's already been mostly written but I didn't wanna go back and forth between posting this and that story. Anyway, it's called 'Advocates For Change' and I'm quite proud of it!
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading! I love you all! <3

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! I'd love feedback!


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